Thursday, October 7, 2010

The Perfume Paradox

Greetings dear friends,

This is Dr. Kinetics! After a very long pause, I am here again… to remind you that I am not a doctor. Do not mistake my qualification for an MD. (That would make me MaD!) I am a scientist and I have achieved two PhD’s (Passing Hardly with any Difficulty!) and… now I’m going to write this article for an engineering college’s magazine. I post my profound findings (seldom recognized by the Counsel of Intellectuals) on my blog ‘Ramblings of a MAD Scientist’. I’m not mad! M.A.D. stands for My Application’s Denied (by the Counsil). However, I’m also a member of the Parliament of Backyard Philosophers. You may pretend you are listening!

Now that my introduction is over, once again, let me explain to you the conclusions of my new research. A friend of mine, Torque Singh, recently observed and pointed out to me a very curious fact. And so I decided to get to work on it. Have you never noticed how Axe deodorants never actually work on men, tough the advertisements depict otherwise? Well, they are not fooling you. They cannot, since you are already fools. No, they are just mistaken. You see, women do not appreciate axe as much as men. Women appreciate feminine perfumes.

When I was researching Binaural waves (Alpha, Beta, Delta, Theta, and Omega), I noticed something. The pheromones from the hair of a women (be it a lab assistant or a secretary or just a lovely visitor) are most compelling waves themselves. Now what is it that enhances these pheromones?
I also observed that women prefer chocolate over men. Men do not prefer so much of chocolate. Perhaps we’re jealous, but that’s beside the point. Could chocolate be the factor enhancing the pheromones? I verified it later.

So the Axe manufacturers thought of this too. They tried bringing up chocolate flavors. No progress for the men. Women still prefer chocolate. Something’s still missing. And I concluded: Since men like Axe so much women should use Axe to attract men, and since women like feminine perfumes (such as Dior and Chanel No. 5) so much, it only makes sense if the male half of humanity makes a dive for it.

This lovely scent is the second most powerful wave to have hit me since the Binaural waves (which the Counsel believes is responsible for what they assume is my dementia). If this theory of mine could be put immediately to application, I could guarantee myself a Nobel Prize.

Please ‘stay tuned’. Bye for now!

Madly yours

Dr. Kinetics( MS, PhD, PhD and so on to infinity)

Friday, June 25, 2010

Messages-Part 1

It had been a rather cheerful day, sprinkled with a few death threats, and a few more suicidal e-mails. Kaapi’s caffeine-infected eyes scanned yet another message and thought to itself, in quiet resolve, “the world abounds in jerks,”—a statement oozing much profound wisdom. That, to her, was equivalent to an entire “I have a dream,” speech.

I don’t know about you, but I would consider the moment you are dying as a very wrong time to exchange pleasantries. You might consider a doctor a plausible person to go to during such instances, but unfortunately for most, such complex common sense seldom seeps into befuddled brains.


A message had suddenly come out of the blue. She looked at it for three whole minutes, and that was something to be said for a very quick thinker. A funeral invite, perhaps? Like “I am turning thirteen, please come,” Such grim reminders never worked much to increase the happiness factor in her life. She contemplated on what to do, and finally decided on fully freaking out to be a very appropriate response, given the situation.


Most sympathetic, I’d say. She spent the day in perpetual worry, hoping that there would finally be some hope at the end of the tunnel. she prayed hard, wishing somebody would continue to exist.

And then, had come the most profound reply.

“….to see you.”

Next time you write a letter, folks, don't forget to complete your sentences.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Imaginary Numbers

I would like to begin with some good news. No, I have still not been acknowledged by the Counsel of Intellectuals. And I have decided not to submit my ‘Hen and Egg’ research until they do so. However, I have been specially invited to join the Parliament of Backyard Philosophers at The Profound Words of Wisdom. I have been invited by Miss Philter Kaapi and my invitation has been supported by the votes of the majority. So I see that my intelligence has not been completely overlooked by this world.

So this would be my first(and hopefully not my last) article as a member of the Parliament. You may pretend that you are listening! I am Dr. Kinetics. I am NOT a doctor! I am a scientist. A theoretical Physicist, to be precise. I have two PhDs. I am aware that you do not and that I am much much smarter than you. I write articles which are a valuable source of intelligence on Ramblings of a Mad Scientist. MAD stand for ‘My Application’s Denied’, signifying my lack of recognition at the Council. I can therefore not join the other intellectuals... as of yet. PhD does not stand for ‘Passed With High Difficulty’. On the contrary, I exceeded the expectation of all my high school examiners every time I appeared at the examination hall. PhD means ‘Doctor of Philosophy’ and I am here to share with you my philosophy.

I would like to discuss with you the concept of imaginary numbers. No, I am not talking about your dream salary or cooked up math score or the number of degrees your great great grand daughter has. I am talking about the numbers which are multiples of the square root of negative one (-1).

Let us consider this integer (-1). It is not a natural number. This does not mean we produce such numbers in the factory. It merely means that you cannot count in negatives. Imagine two kids playing hide and seek. One of them closes his eyes and counts: “zero, minus one, minus two, minus three…”. It’s not possible! You cannot have negative quantities, even if you travel back in time or live life counting your age like Benjamin Button (a curious case indeed). And hence you cannot count in negatives. Well, unless you’re counting your score in an exam or quiz which involves negative marking for every mistake you make and you have not done well enough to balance it with sufficient right answers.

So i(Greek alphabet iota) would be an imaginary number if it is the square root of (-1). And i6789.5463 would be an imaginary number too. Because you cannot practically find the square root of (-1). That’s like finding liquid water at 0 K (Zero Kelvin or absolute zero, below which no temperature can be measured). In other words, you cannot do that. You may put that calculator away! An imaginary number is used only for theoretical purposes by Theoreticians (yes, like me).

A few days back I did a small research on the Parliament. In other words, I had a look through the blog. I notice that Kachaguli Pencil specializes in artistic sketches and uses it to skillfully humiliate his former English teacher who definitely must have been quite a disaster. I enjoy his sense of humor. Swami Unknownananda has gone away to seek his wisdom under a Bhodi tree. Masala Chai has bitten back what he was about to say. He will let you know what it is when the right time arrives. And last but not the least, Philter Kaapi is the great philosopher whose spectrum of dealings ranges from whether New Year’s eve is to be slept through or not, to How Not To Woo A Girl. I’d say that’s amazing! If we could all find out what we're not supposed to do, then we’d probably become experts in what we do DO. I’m going to follow this blog’s instructions (or rather anti-instructions) and see if I do succeed in winning my true love…

*Cough! Cough!* Ahem! I hope that introduces me now. Anyway, my posts will henceforth be visible on Profound Words of Wisdom as well, so please ‘stay tuned’. Bye for now!

Madly yours

Dr. Kinetics( MS, PhD, PhD and so on to infinity)

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

How Not to Woo a girl-- Part 2

When I landed in an extraordinary predicament (as usual), a few weeks back, I had clearly elucidated how I had saved mankind from the greatest of disasters. Turning therapist to bring enlightenment to the lost souls of the world, I had stood there like a beacon, the true hope, the knowledge that lights up our world so as to erase dumbassness from the minds of the confounded.

Aha, I am a great soul. And although it would be nice to say that I'm the only most wonderful person on this earth (that would certainly make me feel special), I shall be modest enough to acknowlegde the presence of souls much, much greater than myself.

There have been many others like me---the really remarkable people, the spiritually enriched, who are intent on guiding you in matters such as how (not) to be a love failure. Linda Goodman, Loos Maada and Sania Mirza, to name a few. Divine people.

But the guru, they say, surpasses all. And today, I consider you bow before this genTAAALman for his profound words of true expression, “isstrait from the heart.”
His questions, such as “How is dha locasshion?” “Wadamdoing?!!!” happen to be one of the most profound questions posed to human kind.

Supreme soul, may thy knowledge save all of the human race: guide them in things like wooing girls, spurring intellectual growth, exhibiting dumbassness and amazing proficiency in how to be pathetic.

Don't forget to bow before the enlightened one, before you take leave. And please mind your chappals.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Theory of the APEchuic Evolution!

(BREAKING NEWS: Kachaguli Pencil has made GROUNDBREAKING discoveries in the field of evolutionary biology!! His theory of APEchuic evolution has revolutionized the way we think about a certain English teacher who had long since been suspected to be showing symptoms of Anti-Darwinism. The inquisitive scientist and the awesomeness factor in KP have lead to the most startling and praise-worthily works in all of biological science. Screw genetics. They are throwing that out of the window. Looks like the biological sciences found a new dogma. His scientific journey is complete today, with his contribution being short-listed for the Nobel.
As the members of the Parliment of Backyard Philosophers,we couldn’t’ have been more proud of his achievement!
And this blog is more than privileged to be the first Rosetta stone documenting his astonishing discoveries


This complex thoery describes the baffling evolution of the apechic being..
it is a well known fact that our english teacher IS actually the elusive "missing link";
truly astounding how she manages to blend in (somewhat) to our society , despite the many obvious social shortcomings one would associate with an ape!!

Because of her comendable, yet inexplicable success in adapting to this present day environment, i decided to do some research regarding how apechu got this far!!
Aproaching this issue with the most logical & scientific temperment,i successfully traced out the origins of this fascinating being!
ALSO, based on the pattern of her evolutionary growth so far, i have meticulously predicted the most likely path her journey of evolution will take her to!!

In order to make my findings more easily understood by the masses, i decided upon a pictiorial representaion to clearly draw out my profound conlusions!!

In short, this is what it all boils down to, folks:

Saturday, April 17, 2010

How not to Woo a girl

My life is a fascinating experience because incredible things happen to me all the time. Take for instance, being in exotic predicaments such as aliens consulting you for solutions to their love problems. Such things don’t happen to everyone. Even NASA hasn’t been as privileged as me.

So, when a kindly alien dropped by to say hi, I was naturally expecting a more normal discussion such as how overtake the world, invade other planets and clean up existing garbage. But all conversations turned to serious matters such as alien’s love problems, which is such a complex science to understand. It would be very hard, then, for me to bring enlightenment to a creature that cares only about how machines work.

This alien was one of a kind. Apart from fostering incredible brilliance in matters involving boring things like logic, he had also gone undercover in the guise of a mechanical engineering student at a reputed college. In the process, he had metamorphosized into a true nerd, falling in love with his books instead of earthlings called girls. There were many things that required correction. He was infatuated with the wrong species. I knew it would be hard to make him fall in love, and finally woo a girl. But I was determined.

“Aha” I said, leaning back, “Why don’t we start off with some introductory therapy?”

“Sure, madam,” came the prompt reply.

I decided to start off by testing his taste, because matters of preference have a vital role in matters such as identifying, and wooing earthling females from engineering colleges. Matrimony is a delicate art. Wooing girls is an even more delicate art, as Philter Kaapi knows.

The test was simple enough. I would show the alien a few pictures of girls, and would ask him to rate them on prettiness on a scale of 10, for which, the mechanical-engineering-student-cum-alien never went past 8.9999. This became food for incredible thought, especially after the alien declared that, “I never give a 10/10 to any girl, no matter how pretty she is, because just like there are no ideal machines in this world which have 100% efficiency, no girl is fully pretty.”

Profound words, that. He was too much in love with his textbooks to ever fall in love with a girl.

It would take much commitment and mammoth efforts to change such perceptions. Especially for people who are from mars.

I thought I had a lot of work to do.
I would like to skip past all the details of the number of lectures that I gave, and the alien attended. Finally, I taught him a thing or two about girls, their behavior and their mental processes. The alien took a lot of time to digest the facts. It took many, many months of hardwork and patient guidance to help the poor should alter his perceptions that textbooks were beautiful. Finally, after many months of darkness, I had begun to see some signs of improvement. There was hope.

At the end of the training sessions, I allowed him to leave with all my blessings and infinite good wishes. I had tears in my eyes then.

“Tell me of the day, when you finally learn to fall in love with a girl, and get talking to her. Remember, when you fall in love….get to befriend her. Talk to her, and the first thing you should do to create a good impression is to give her a compliment, and tell her how you feel.” I advised.

2 weeks later, he burst in through the door.

“I fell in love!” he said. “The moment I saw her, I knew she was the one. The blood rushed through my veins, and my heart turned erratic…..”
“Aha!” I exclaimed, with tears of joy in my eyes, “You have finally learnt about the magic of true love!! Did you talk to her?”
“Yes, I did!!! And she seemed pretty interested in me too….”

“Brilliant, my good fellow!” I said in jubilation, patting him on the back.
(If you want a happy ending, you can stop reading here!)

“Until I told her how I felt….”

I sensed something wrong. My heart sank. “What happened?”
“I told her that I had feelings for her, and she walked away! I don’t get it!”

I contemplated deeply. It shouldn’t have worked that way. There seemed to be a flaw….something was amiss. Finally, I mouthed, “What exactly did you tell her?”

For which the mechanical engineer replied, “'you create enough drag in my lovuodynamically shaped heart to create a lift!!”

Sigh. I guess I still have a lot of work to do.

*Note: The ingeunity behind this post has been stolen from Marty's famous mouth.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Swami Unknownananda's first words of wisdom

Hi Friends! I am Swami Unknownananda. Well, you may be wondering who I am. Before answering your question, I would like to thank my disciple V@$K1N for encouraging me to use the internet and forcing me to be a part of profound words of wisdom blog. Then, of course, I thank Miss Philter Kaapi for giving me an opportunity to share my views through this blog without whom it would have been impossible for you to see this post.

Without further ado, let me tell you how I became Swami Unknownananda. I'm usually a pretty cheerful guy, but I was fed up with the way our education system works, with the way my life was, those one sided love which never became 2 way. To be precise, I was fed up with everything associated with my life. There were only 2 options running through my mind.
1) Suicide
2) Run away from this materialistic world and settle down somewhere either in the Himalayas or in a place like Haridwar.

You need some kind of crazy courage to commit suicide and that thing was missing in me. Moreover, my parents and friends told me that they would be more than happy to make arrangements for my demise, which took out all the fun in my dramatic statement. I wanted to proove a point by existing, anyway. So, option 1 was completely ruled out.

I was brought up in a comfortable environment and I didn’t know the meaning of difficulty and hard work (I don’t think that I know their meanings even now). Running away meant that, you should be strong enough to face the difficulties. I wasn’t mentally and physically prepared for it. As this is the only option left, I thought of preparing before rejecting this materialistic life and I knew that it would take some time. I decided to run away only after good amount of preparation (unlike the preparations for exams where u can pass even without sufficient preparation)

Over the next few days, I learnt more about Gautama Buddha. I found out that he rejected his material life after his marriage and he got enlightened after sitting under a bodhi tree. I was greatly inspired by him and wanted to follow his footsteps but I wasn’t married to anyone (That’s the only problem I faced). I am in the last year of my teen and I guess, I have to wait for another 5 or 6 years to run away. Till then, I will be searching for a suitable bodhi tree and protect it for people like me. I am eagerly waiting for that particular day in my life when I become Knownananda from Unknownananda. The world will hopefully start worshipping me from that moment.

Note: I am not a godman. I am just a common man with a crazy goal in my mind.

Friday, April 2, 2010

The Induction of Kachaguli Pencil into the Parliment of Backyard Philosophers and major things like that.

I wish the Parliament of Backyard Philosophers was subject to description by Dan Brown. He would have undoubtedly made us sound like something cool and not like the retards that we actually are. (Ok, for all purposes, I’m leaving out people like Masala Chai and the newly-inducted Kachaguli Pencil for the fear of being chased by a broom, or to be made to live without filter coffee for the rest of my life because saying mean things isn’t nice.) But the whole point is, I hope we had this ubercool, ultra-secret mantra to chant, weird, billowing scarlet robes, fine British accent, and more tall people who would die to uphold the noble secrets of the brotherhood.

The parliament of backyard philosophers ain’t anything like the ideal brotherhood.

Firstly because there is no way it can be a brotherhood.
Hello? I’m a girl. A proud one at that too. Thank you very much.

Secondly, we have no secrets to protect, as much as we don’t’ have the cool British accent.

And thirdly, there is no uniformity. We’re not all alike, although we share quite a few similarities. For example, I’m stupid. And they aren’t. We have major differences like that.

But there is this one thing that the bloggers here have in common. We like humor. And we don’t’ hesitate to show off our goofiness to the world. This is our emblem, our anthem, and everything that Dan Brown would love to write about.

So without much ado, let me proceed to introduce our newest Senator.
*drum rolls in the background*

Introducing Kachaguli Pencil!!!! (You must say Tah-dah!) The fine humorist with the magic touch. With cartooning skills that are going to shake this world!
I’m proud that he’s among us. He can make us look cooler. And of course, I’m hoping I can take all the credit. (Ok, let’s forget I ever said that. Ahem). Now he’s a remarkable guy, with a totally amazing talent, and I’m just so glad that he bore with all my pestering and decided to chip in. Thank you for joining. It’s the best decision you ever made in your whole entire life, buddy. (You know, for the extra dramatic effect.)

Hearty Welcome to you, Kachaguli Pencil—the one valiant cartoonist who goes against all odds and who has been brave enough to draw wonderfully detailed caricatures under the nose of the English Teachers when they were teaching in class without ever getting caught, or being sent to jail—an utterly remarkable feat worthy of my complete admiration . That makes you totally worship-worthy, brother! You are one true hero. I’m sure many people will look up to you!

And without further ado, I hand over the pencil to Kachaguli Pencil, because he has a few words to say.]

Hello everyone!! this is kachaguli pencil, im new here!! iv been invited by miss philter kaapi to join "profound word of wisdom" as a guest blogger!!
yay me!
these new developments have come to materialize owing to my awesomeness, & the benevolence of miss pk!! :D thanks miss pk!!

who for some reason took a strange liking to some silly cartoons I drew up in coll, about a dangerously retarded English teacher we both shared in our short stint at Kumarans Pre University college.
funny thing is I seem to have made myself forget the actual name of this teacher in question!, For purposes of my own safety, I shall resort to call her "apechu" which i pronounce thus:

"ape" +"chu"="apechu"! :P

the actual & correct pronunciation & spelling of the name remain unclear to me, but it was really hard to prevent this estrangement, because my variation to the name describes our teacher in a nutshell!!
With all due respect, I have but found some totally uncanny resemblances which force me to use this name in reference to her, which I fine more than apt, because:

1)she was rather hairy for a woman , just like an ape!
2)she had in I.Q of 8, just like an ape!
3)she could be easily provoked & angered, just like an ape!
4)she quite apparently shared her skull with homo erectus, just like an ape!
5)she always kept bananas on her staff room desk, just like an ape!
6)she made her debut into acting with the movie king Kong 2, & made her way into many other feature presentations such as: buddy, mighty Joe young, planet of the apes, MXP(most extreme primate),slum dog millionaire & George of the jungle.
7)she would sometimes pick her hair for fleas, just like an ape!
8) ok that’s enough, i think i might've begun to stray with the last one so I'll stop!

by now I’m hoping iv drawn a clear picture of the kind of person we're dealing with here! this woman practically walked around with a "please make fun of me! ,I’ve earned it" sign stuck to her back!!
so how can one pass up such a generous offer?! & what better way to do it than make silly ,senseless, accurately exaggerated cartoons that depict the everyday life of our English teacher!
kachaguli pencil!!

(*Afternote, for purposes of never being sued:

Don’t’ get me wrong, we aren’t trying to make all the English teachers in this world disappear. I’m hoping that you guys will take it in the right sense of humor. We aren’t trying to demoralize the worth of English teachers here by zeroing in on their exaggerated features, nor are we deciding to be mean. We are but a bunch of bored students who have decided to show you that there exists a direct link between human evolution and apes. I mean, even Darwin did that and didn’t get sued. We are just harnessing our creative instincts in a very harmless fashion, and hope that it will be received in the most light-hearted of ways, because our creativity isn’t anything dense.
You may wait for the beautiful cartoons in the next post in all earnest. I swear you guys will love it!! )

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Surprise Surprise!!!

There are different sorts of people in this world. The intelligent ones, the neurotic ones, the absolutely anal ones. Although this world is surprisingly plentiful in the last category of homo-sapien, you once in a while chance across specimens which form a refreshingly wonderful blend of all these qualities. And such things, let me tell you, are like finding required equations scribbled on your bench when it’s time to take your final exam.

And coming across somebody who existed all this while but you never noticed existed is one of the exotic privelages that this networking obsessed generation is blessed with. I bumped into the seemingly boring junior from school and college who had knew all the friends I knew, who humilated the same teachers by the same nicknames and who hated all the same people!!! Now it was time to engage in the worthwhile activity of prodding the hell out of the new friend with amazingly boring questions like “Oh, did you study Electronics of Biology back in college, mister?”
(Can you BELIEVE I called you “Mister”??) :D

Well, I’m not directing a Tele-serial, so let me skip over the enlightening details to today. Today, the world is different. Today, Marty's no stranger. Today, the philosopher reclined on her easy chair and asked herself a fundamental question.

No, I didn’t ask myself what the purpose of existence was, why my teeth was purple yesterday or for that matter, why a certain professor snorts a highly musical snort before she utters every single sentence. All these questions were agreeably extremely complex and were high contenders for contemplation of the idling Socrates’ brain, but they never made it into the thinking grey cells.

I asked myself How many times can Marty afford to get his legs pulled again and again by Philter Kaapi without losing it?

It is a quite prevalent and undisputed fact, (JUST LIKE Newton’s Laws, the S.A.S. postulate and the if-it-looks-like-a-triangle-then-its-a-triangle theorem) that Philter Kaapi has finally lost her wits. Loony Lakshmi has been another label for this infamous individual, so it would be most apt to conclude that people who choose to associate themselves with Kaapi can be strongly influenced to become demented enough to think that their entire life is a movie. Kaapi has the knack of pulling the legs of each and every person who manages to find anything sane in her speech and her sense of sarcastic humor. And her recipe for lunacy is thus:

(a) Leave a billion nonsense illogical scribbles on such a person’s wall, which might be things like “eeeeeeeeeeewwww!” or, “I’m NOT married to Mister PAUL!” which have no particular inkling to the other person’s life. They are very much out of context, abstract, and weird.
(b) Figure out who the lady love of the aforementioned individual is, and tease him to death with her codename and enjoy the sadistic pleasure of having to watch the other person squealing for mercy.
(c) Spying on them in general and bothering them with the most irrelevant and many more fundamental questions when they are online and want to talk happy things.
(d) Tag them in ugly caricatures and cartoons you drew just to make them look goofy.
(e) Saying “I know” when they say “I’m a loser.”
(f) Calling them by ANY goddamn nickname that your creative brain conjures up at the spur of the moment, conveniently forgetting that the individual’s parents did gift him a decent call-able name for the purpose of being called by that call-able name only and not un-callable things like “chappan tickli”.

Yeah, Marty has been though a lot.
I’m not saying I’m particularly sorry about that.

The thing that holds me in constant awe is that he’s still alive, and his brain is working. And to top it all off, he’s turning 19 tomorrow, finally catching up with the aunties.

It feels like I’ve known the squirt forever. And I have been pulling mhartee’s leg for nearly forever. And to put up with that, believe me, is a great deal. It should be evoking unending sympathy in the more benevolent and kinder of hearts who aren’t quite as insensitive as philter kaapi. (Let’s all hope and pray today that that most benevolent of spirits is some lady cockroach who is very well versed in dance, is popular, speaks fluent girlish, is very very very “whittteeewasheddd” yand drop-dead gorgeous in the eyes of one mhister jigglypuff. ;) ) Woman, I hope you are listening.

It’s a miracle that sanity has still stayed safe with einsteinji even after the horrendous mistake and tarumic experience of having befriended an absolutely obnoxious senior from school and college. Yes, it hasn’t come without suffering some serious side-effects and consequences. There have been some incredible risks and some serious hazards to the aforementioned person’s mental health, sense of peace, self worth and has even provoked unwanted questions from the dim-witted morons that, as I said, this world is surprisingly plentiful in. Yeah, disadvantages.

Well, let me shed some optimistic light on this matter. It hasn’t come off without some perpetual benefits too. For example, I have managed to make the I-don’t-have-a-clue-about-these-things kinds of innocent lamb into a connoisseur bird-watcher of the non-ornithological variety, rather successfully. That means Mhartee will (hopefully,) not fall for Katherine Heigl and direct his full-blown attention towards Bhumikha Chawla, Jayanthi and a very lucky miss-cockroach who’s stalling in all earnesty in the corridors of a certain engineering college.

And you get to be written about. The Times of India is just rushing over to make this headline news. Not everybody gets this famous, isn’t it? This is what you get for putting up with Kaapi. So be really grateful. I’ve invaded your Fb wall with all sorts’ illogical crap. But every Van Gogh paints a starry night. And this is my proud masterpiece. (The jerk who invented face book doesn’t allow me to cross 100 word limit.) Philter Kaapi might actually be a slimy tailed rotten rodent, but she is also human enough to understand that it’s supposed to be decent to thank people who put up with her obnoxiousness. So, I figured you’d like to be flattered a little (As shakesphere said, “That unicorns may be betrayed with trees, and bears with glasses, elephants with holes, lions with toils and men with flatterers.” Or as I re-stated, “I theenk you shall be yappy yappy.”)

So, you get to be written about. AND glorified by such inglorious means. Today, let’s all forget how Mharteee’s taste in girls sucks in general, how’s he’s such an insufferable GEEK and know-it-all, how his computer is connected to the most crappy UPS system in the whole wide world and how he is up at all unearthly hours like 3 am. No, let’s today talk about how good a friend he can be, how he manages to lift that dark grouchy cloud above other people’s heads, how he is ultra-hilarious enough to understand good humor, and also talented, polite and considerate enough to agree to work for my movie when most others rejected the offer in evident horror.

True gentleman. An intelligent introspector. Skilled photographer. Effortless Geek. Undeservingly popular. Easy-going pleasant disposition. Good school-going never-bunking boy. An elegant humorist. (You are most welcome to borrow my superior English for your advert on if it doesn’t work out with miss cockroach.)

Summing up in one word in true sisterly spirit, a great friend, the little (literally) shortie has been. I couldn’t do without my little clown. My life would have been a whole lot crappier without his weird jokes.

I know, It does kinda suck not to celebrate on your birthday and sit there and attend an exam. (KINDA SUCKS??? Who am I kidding?, MAJORLY SUCKS!) And Marty is the unfortunate soul born on March 4. Pity. (No, seriously.)

I couldn’t parcel you my gift of fifteen morteein sprays (With a whopping 20% extra offer, that too!!) So I thought an online celebration of epic proportions might not hurt.

May you continue to be your white cockroach seeking, hilarious leg-pulling, weird profile pictures choosing, unearthly music listening self-- now forever and always.

Happy birthday, Ara.


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Profound words of encouragement that is going to make all the difference in the world.

(CAUTION: Kaapi's mood is philosophical. Oopsy! That means some serious self-condemnation comin' up. If your brain is chronically befuddled at the end of it all, don't tell me I didnt' warn you.)

Mood: Philosophical without a reason.
Flavor of Post: Wondering the meaning of existance and a detailed examination of the causes of social imbalance.
Type: Irresponsible Writing Catogory. Filed under Kaapi, Philter in all archival libraries.

Thank You.

Social Reject.
Somebody who doesn't have a life.

If any of the above words can be used to describe the whole of your existance in entirity, you belong to the ultra-conspicious species of homo sapiens that incidentally, even Philter Kaapi falls into. And you probably spend pathetically long, purposeless hours spying on the facebook profiles of the creatures at the other end of the spectrum----the social elite, culturally active, splendidly barbaric who have more than a 1000 friends on their list, don't end up playing Farmville at the end of the day, and actually recieve a 100+ comments for their most enlightenining status message, ":)".

Yeah, if your life could be that grand.

So you pick up your hiking boots and think there must be a singularly wonderful destiny awaiting you. Maybe if you make an attempt at showing them you have a life too, they would end up as jealous as you are right now. So you walk up an abandoned trail with a geek friend, or pose with random aunties. You click a 50 very artistic pictures of that scary looking tree stump, crows and dirt. You return home triumphant and upload the pictures into an album "When I had the best time of my life and did some very great things!!!!!!!! :) :) :)" and take particular care in ensuring that the album is open to everyone.

The very next day, the social elite have their pictures up of their visit to Italy, Paris and Rome. Of course, they are in their cooling glasses, and they aren't posing with thier grandmothers. And gosh do they look gorgeous. They're in rome, baby, in front of the collosium, with their huge gang of gangly teenagers who made it to to the place in one peice to join Green Peace activists to fight against Global Warming.

Cool stuff. Right.
You feel an utter loser.

So, at the end of the day, you go back to your farmville to cultivate crops, or find more ugly ducklings. And you join the group, "I wonder if there was anything more to life". :D

Whatever happened to the age-old philosophy that all human being were born equal, and that god gifted all with special abilites. Everyone is equally special, deserves to be equally loved, admired and adulated. Kinda feels like crap to you, doesn't it?

Well, I'll tell ya this. They might be popular. They might be happy. They might be on top of the world......sure, they are all that.

And you....are just you. Nerd, dweeb, weirdo, obnoxious, blah blah.
It's not like they have a different heamogobin in their viens. Or that they don't breathe oxygen for that matter. And they definitely aren't from mars.

So go back to the age-old philosophy no matter how unbelivable it seems. They might give a damn, but still belive that life's special. That YOU are more special than anyone else.

You might be making an incorrect assumption, but in the end---it's your happiness that matters above all else.

So believe. Coz you've got your life to lead buddy, and they have got thiers.

And know this, friend---you have this 100% obnoxious, moronic, dweeby, geeky, weird, nerdy girl for company, cheering you on. If that doesn't help, know that there is atleast one more creature who's just like you. That might be of some help. ;)
If the world ends, Philter Kaapi shall endure all odds to come back an hold your hand. (Ain't THAT what you call "dramatic?")
A friend told me something. "It's when we laugh that we are all connected together...."
:) Those who have a million friends, often find it hard to understand each and every one of them.
You might have fewer, but you know them better.
If you have none, you still know youself better than anybody else on this planet.
And for that, I shoudl be congraulating you.
You know who you are. Some people don't.
They happen to be suffering from acute dementia, alzhimers, or are called the socially elite.
Wear your smile tight!!!!!

Warmest Regards,

Philter Kaapi

(deviant post, i know. Shall come back to talk about the movie someday. The someday, should be after another set of gruelling midterms IF i don't relapse into the I'm-socrates-reincarnate-mood again! Cheers!!!)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Rat Poison

Preface: Philter Kaapi set off last week, to face not one but THREE life-threatening situations (read midterms) with nothing but her sheer willpower, raw guts and efficiently procrastinating brain for company. And oh, a little bottle of rat poison in the back of her unclean bag, along with green smelly thingies that she believes is defined as "grime".

Philter Kaapi is the most interesting of all specimens. If you happen to be a thief who thinks its fun to snatch away her backpack when she isn't looking hoping that its a profitable venture, you will be dissapointed, to say in the least.
Unless you happen to be someone insanely suicidal, a physicist or somebody plauged by an acute pest problem of course.

Well, I know you are holding your breath to find out what I'm gong to be talking about next so let me summarize all the weirdness of this 604800 seconds, and you may pretend to be listening.
  • Firstly, Phiter Kaapi isn't drinking the rat poison. The reason happens to be that she believes that she is just too damn important to this world.
  • Secondly, and thankfully, she's in a very great mood!!! :D (Yeah, I ain't the socrates today!). Hurray!! That means that she would rather write crap to her dairy instead of to the the very inviting world wide web to show off how much of a doofus she is.
  • Thirdly, she has resumed shooting for her very famous movie. (she is director cum genius.)
So, ur naturally going "huh?" coz your peabrain cannot interpret how a microbiologist (read future nobel laurate) can ever get down to the camaroon standards. Well, just too bad for you. I'm multitalented.

So, what is this movie about?
I won't tell you.
Because the experimental scientist in me has concluded that the more suspense you build up around a fairly trivial issue, you tend to magnify its importance and have people falling at your feet, begging to know what it is. It will also succesfully promote a greater readership. (assuming that of course, SOMEONE out there is reading, which I cleverly will assume.)

Awh, I cannot bear to see your puppy eyes questioning me with all curiosity. So I'll give you a sneak peek.
*Gallant Background music and husky male voice*

  • A La-la-la dance sequence in the lush alpine meadows with Mala aunty.
  • A din-din-dhishkoo. (WTH? Waaait till the director explains!)
  • Retarded english.
It's going to be the biggest blockbuster in history.
And in the end of the day, you will have to thank Philter Kaapi and her handy bottle of Rat Poison.
Well, Stay Alive!
Philter Kaapi.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Nerdyfing, ranting and "grr"ing.

I'm a noble person. An extremely noble person. I am, in fact, more committed to this little space than anybody else on this planet. Being the extremely brave soul that I am, I will do anything, anything at all, to have my hands scribble more profound words of wisdom here, even against my better judgement of studying multivariable calculus and parametrization of curves on a cheerfully rainy friday afternoon, on the begginning of a wonderfully boring weekend which i fully intended to enjoy, but will most probably spend counting how many days of my long life I have left because it seems to be pretty much evoporating in front of my eyes in all these horrible midterms and exams and quizzes and lab reports. And of course, it is in my brave blood to risk my studies by doing most illuminating things such as typing matters of great irrelevance to this world in fancy, completely huge, nonsensical sentences using incorrect grammer, hanging phrases and incomplete sentences that would put my english education to shame. Awh, but there is one person who can follow my train of thought--me. And I'm quite glad for that. Before I go off on 3 other different tangents, (not to circles or parametric curves, mind you!), I would like to come to the point (believe me, there is supposed to be one) of this ultra-dramatic post.

The points, kindly make note:
(a) As I said, I'm noble.
(b) I'm bored, I have a Physics midterm examination this monday on 5 whole chapters, a mathematics examination on thursday, and a general psychology examination on thursday. I did prospect on drinking rat poison the day before yesterday, but I've heard that it tastes quite aweful, and I'm certainly certain that my tongue wouldn't prefer to swallow such things just to transport me to heaven. Sigh. Even dying is so complicated these days.
(c) I'm ranting. Raving mad. I'm robbed of a beautiful weekend. I have to spend it frickin' studying ALL the time. Make that >6 hours per day, ALL WEEKEND (with potty breaks and nap breaks, but still). Oh lord, help me concentrate. This term of "studying all the time" has been re-named by phiter kaapi as "nerdyfying". So I'll be nerdyfying this weekend. Boo-hoo. And if you point ur finger this way and go "ha ha", well, then you shouldn't be surprised if my rat poison has mysteriously found it's way into your bisi-bele bath tomorrow afternoon. I might hesitate to have the rat poison to reach my throat, but the same is not the case with other human beings. And I do believe that there is more use to such a potent chemical composition that just plainly kiling a few rodents who freak you out. Maybe they can be equally effective on human friends who freak you out too.
(d) So, the plan's like this.
If I pass, I'll bring back my spoils and go "hahahaha, I passed. I'm intelligent. I'm not a loser." and repeat that a 10000 times in your ear until you fully agree wimme.
If I fail, I'll return to my soppy my-life-is-purposeless-im-such-a-jerk-so-lemme-write-a-one-million-sad-meloncholic-poems-mood. And believe me, you wouldn't wanna to see me like that. I speak aristotle. I drool. I bite. Yuck.
So, I hope the nerdyfying pays off.
Really. So do me a favor.
Pray for me.

(I shall b back soon by the end of next week, If i haven't decided rat poison does in fact taste good and they were just lying to me.)

Phiter Kaapi
(with profound spelling mistakes)

Monday, January 18, 2010

The twilight phenomenon

(We've got a new contendor, who plans to disprove Phiter Kaapi's claim at being a vampire. His eloborate elucidation of why more than half the adoloscent world is absolutely nuts was an unpublished, unrecognized reasearch paper that the kindly soul that is phiter kaapi picked up and posted it here, even though it was the kind of article that placed her sense of being someone sane in serious jeopardy. But, being the noble creature that she is, she decided to allow for some healthy debate. (WTF??? I plan to kill this guy who says twilight is pure crap, if I wasen't inhibited by endless miles of oceans, mountains and countries). But aha, here it is. Whose team are you on? Team Edward, Team jacob, Team bella or Team loser? Fate is in the hands of the intelligent reader. So, I place the contribution before your speculative eyes)

During my usual rounds of surfing channels on TV back and forth I was lucky enough to stumble on a lifestyle channel showing me the top best sellers of the month.
WTF?!!!!! Twilight???!!! Damn! That book which every girl seem to be drooling on for no particular reason. I had to read it.
I made a few calls to my friends who had the book. They had managed to survive the ordeal of reading all the 4 books. The common opinion among guys was not surprisingly “too much hype” or “don’t read it! Please for our sake!” and the girls “OMG!! Edward OMG!! Jacob” and they would fake a faint.
Jobless soul that I am, I had to learn more about this Edward and Jacob character who seemed to display the property of “female-magnetism” (and in some rare and weird cases males too). I got hold of the book from a rather nervous owner who was adamant that I return this precious novel within a week. What the hell is in this book which makes the teenagers so possessive? Why are they going gaga over it? Is it similar to Harry Potter? It had to be something if the movie beat the records of dark knights single day collection.
I’m half way into the book and I finally got my answers. The answer is that it has nothing! Yes, nothing (except for a love triangle). Stephanie Meyer you are a genius! Not because the novel is great, not because she created an ideal boy friend, but because she realized the potential of employing the irrational brains of teenagers who is filled with the ideas of college love stories. An emo girl suddenly finds a perfect guy who turns out to be a vampire, who is allergic to sunlight, add to this a werewolf on a mission to kill vampires. She just created a fairy tale for grownups! So who will be the next guy in her life? I’m hoping a dragon turns up from somewhere. So next time you fall in love with a guy hanging around in dark corners and getting ideas that he is a vampire let me warn you, you will be disappointed because sadly there is something called reality. Until then there will be more like Madame philter kaapi getting ideas that they are vampires.
So there you have it, ‘the twilight phenomenon’ a pandemic condition the cure for which is a sound and developed brain, age and saneness.

-Masala chaai

Sunday, January 10, 2010

I'm a vampire.

I can't sleep at midnight. I have vauge suspicions that I might, in fact, be a vampire. When half of your friends are ardent fans of this one gooey-eyed creepy totally outwordly stor(ies) called the "twilight saga" (which, in my opinion, goes against all rational thought and logical thinking, but is still kinda pleasing in its own mauky kind of way..., the vampire fear (or love, depending on who you are) finally gets to you one day.
The vampire craze is taking over the world, believe me.
or don't.
It's good if you don't belive me. Life is nicer.
But I swear they are lingering under your beds. Or watching you while you are asleep and doing you a favor by mumbling lovely-dovey things. Truely loving creatures, vampires, and I mistook them for monsters.
"Lovable Monsters" eh? You know, my peabrain cannot see sense into this.
But oh, they won't stop their ranting, so I'm pretending to listen. It's nicer, see?
Diplomatic. If you argue the point that vampires don't exist, you might hear it in your headline news, the next thing tomorrow, that crazy teenagers are jumping off cliffs at all possible locations.
So, I agree. Vampires exist. And I am one. Actually, I'm one of the cullens.
I'm nocturnal. I'm vegiterian. And I secretly shine in the sunshine, so I bunk classes when it's too sunny outside.
Love the cold, misty weather.
Yeah, suspicions are getting confirmed.
So you may queque up, guys.
Coz I'm a vampire.

yay! Keep looking for more such pointless scribbles!
Philter Kaapi

Saturday, January 2, 2010


Important year, eh?

Time to engage in the charectersitically human endevour of "celebrating". This absolutely intruiging act encompasses and includes jumping up and down on the sofa and buying 20 packets of carribean flavor frito lay chips to devour with members of your secret society who's primarly occupation happens to be depriving themselves of sleep in order to do most illuminating things such as watch zomibies blow their own heads off.
Well, you get the drift.

Really, the human speices interest me. Not that I'm from Mars or anything, but the way that we pass off most pointless things as something worthwhile is the most intruging of mysteries.
I don't stay up to watch people wish each other a happy new year.
I sleep. I snore. I dream of fluffy bunnies skipping about in lovely emerald meadows...
And get up the next day, all full of wonderful vital energy, ready to take over the world.

"Celebrating" new year is easy, and uncomplicated my way. But sigh, nobody listens to good old advise from a pipsqueak. Hence, I have to bear with the rest of the teenage world turning into aliens on New year's eve.
Aha, I must be growing up.
The travials of the intelligent, sagely souls who trasure all the wisdom of the world!

Sigh, it's like nobody listens to these profound words of wisdom.
Not that I care, anyway.
Just letting you know.

And oh, Happy new year, everybody.
I know I wished late.
Just goes to say I'm lazy. Just goes to say that I do weird things.
May all of you continue to be sleep-deprived, celebrate and do other equally pointless things these year!

Happy happy new year! :)

The first most profound words of wisdom from the sagely creature

Hello all,

I write this blog, in full awareness that you aren't familiar with who I am. Don't worry lads, I'll be pretty famous soon. Before everybody sleeps on the stone pavement in eager anticipation of my first, best selling novel, I'd like to declare to the world that I'm the most talented nincompoop on the face of this planet. Well, yeah, self-glorification is an addicting habit, and you will agree, very hard to get rid of.

My name is Philter Kaapi. Kinda lame. And not really my name. I maintain a secret identity coz it's cool. I use incorrect grammer, coz that's cool also. Some sagely creature told me that. Oh well, I forgot the name.
Now coming to the point.

When I was 6 months, I mostly wanted to cry and pee. When I was 7, I wanted to do cool things. When I was 14, I wanted to be an endocrinologist and learn to spell that word correctly.
I'm 19 now. heck. And I want to write.
Weird things happen, at weird ages.
I guess 19 means writing stuff.
So, the celestial heavens have ordained.
Another sagely creature told me that too.

So, a pointless blog.
A poitnless blog, to make me laugh.
A pointless blog to break free of the oh-my-gosh-ur-such-an-emo-nerd image. Pointless blog, to taint my image as the world's best sonneteer/poem-writer/author/dairist.
Pointless blog, to dump all the weird things that my brain conjures up.
Pointless blog, to proof I'm an absolute doofus. :)

You may pretend that you are listening.

Philter Kaapi