Thursday, January 28, 2010

Rat Poison

Preface: Philter Kaapi set off last week, to face not one but THREE life-threatening situations (read midterms) with nothing but her sheer willpower, raw guts and efficiently procrastinating brain for company. And oh, a little bottle of rat poison in the back of her unclean bag, along with green smelly thingies that she believes is defined as "grime".

Philter Kaapi is the most interesting of all specimens. If you happen to be a thief who thinks its fun to snatch away her backpack when she isn't looking hoping that its a profitable venture, you will be dissapointed, to say in the least.
Unless you happen to be someone insanely suicidal, a physicist or somebody plauged by an acute pest problem of course.

Well, I know you are holding your breath to find out what I'm gong to be talking about next so let me summarize all the weirdness of this 604800 seconds, and you may pretend to be listening.
  • Firstly, Phiter Kaapi isn't drinking the rat poison. The reason happens to be that she believes that she is just too damn important to this world.
  • Secondly, and thankfully, she's in a very great mood!!! :D (Yeah, I ain't the socrates today!). Hurray!! That means that she would rather write crap to her dairy instead of to the the very inviting world wide web to show off how much of a doofus she is.
  • Thirdly, she has resumed shooting for her very famous movie. (she is director cum genius.)
So, ur naturally going "huh?" coz your peabrain cannot interpret how a microbiologist (read future nobel laurate) can ever get down to the camaroon standards. Well, just too bad for you. I'm multitalented.

So, what is this movie about?
I won't tell you.
Because the experimental scientist in me has concluded that the more suspense you build up around a fairly trivial issue, you tend to magnify its importance and have people falling at your feet, begging to know what it is. It will also succesfully promote a greater readership. (assuming that of course, SOMEONE out there is reading, which I cleverly will assume.)

Awh, I cannot bear to see your puppy eyes questioning me with all curiosity. So I'll give you a sneak peek.
*Gallant Background music and husky male voice*

  • A La-la-la dance sequence in the lush alpine meadows with Mala aunty.
  • A din-din-dhishkoo. (WTH? Waaait till the director explains!)
  • Retarded english.
It's going to be the biggest blockbuster in history.
And in the end of the day, you will have to thank Philter Kaapi and her handy bottle of Rat Poison.
Well, Stay Alive!
Philter Kaapi.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Nerdyfing, ranting and "grr"ing.

I'm a noble person. An extremely noble person. I am, in fact, more committed to this little space than anybody else on this planet. Being the extremely brave soul that I am, I will do anything, anything at all, to have my hands scribble more profound words of wisdom here, even against my better judgement of studying multivariable calculus and parametrization of curves on a cheerfully rainy friday afternoon, on the begginning of a wonderfully boring weekend which i fully intended to enjoy, but will most probably spend counting how many days of my long life I have left because it seems to be pretty much evoporating in front of my eyes in all these horrible midterms and exams and quizzes and lab reports. And of course, it is in my brave blood to risk my studies by doing most illuminating things such as typing matters of great irrelevance to this world in fancy, completely huge, nonsensical sentences using incorrect grammer, hanging phrases and incomplete sentences that would put my english education to shame. Awh, but there is one person who can follow my train of thought--me. And I'm quite glad for that. Before I go off on 3 other different tangents, (not to circles or parametric curves, mind you!), I would like to come to the point (believe me, there is supposed to be one) of this ultra-dramatic post.

The points, kindly make note:
(a) As I said, I'm noble.
(b) I'm bored, I have a Physics midterm examination this monday on 5 whole chapters, a mathematics examination on thursday, and a general psychology examination on thursday. I did prospect on drinking rat poison the day before yesterday, but I've heard that it tastes quite aweful, and I'm certainly certain that my tongue wouldn't prefer to swallow such things just to transport me to heaven. Sigh. Even dying is so complicated these days.
(c) I'm ranting. Raving mad. I'm robbed of a beautiful weekend. I have to spend it frickin' studying ALL the time. Make that >6 hours per day, ALL WEEKEND (with potty breaks and nap breaks, but still). Oh lord, help me concentrate. This term of "studying all the time" has been re-named by phiter kaapi as "nerdyfying". So I'll be nerdyfying this weekend. Boo-hoo. And if you point ur finger this way and go "ha ha", well, then you shouldn't be surprised if my rat poison has mysteriously found it's way into your bisi-bele bath tomorrow afternoon. I might hesitate to have the rat poison to reach my throat, but the same is not the case with other human beings. And I do believe that there is more use to such a potent chemical composition that just plainly kiling a few rodents who freak you out. Maybe they can be equally effective on human friends who freak you out too.
(d) So, the plan's like this.
If I pass, I'll bring back my spoils and go "hahahaha, I passed. I'm intelligent. I'm not a loser." and repeat that a 10000 times in your ear until you fully agree wimme.
If I fail, I'll return to my soppy my-life-is-purposeless-im-such-a-jerk-so-lemme-write-a-one-million-sad-meloncholic-poems-mood. And believe me, you wouldn't wanna to see me like that. I speak aristotle. I drool. I bite. Yuck.
So, I hope the nerdyfying pays off.
Really. So do me a favor.
Pray for me.

(I shall b back soon by the end of next week, If i haven't decided rat poison does in fact taste good and they were just lying to me.)

Phiter Kaapi
(with profound spelling mistakes)

Monday, January 18, 2010

The twilight phenomenon

(We've got a new contendor, who plans to disprove Phiter Kaapi's claim at being a vampire. His eloborate elucidation of why more than half the adoloscent world is absolutely nuts was an unpublished, unrecognized reasearch paper that the kindly soul that is phiter kaapi picked up and posted it here, even though it was the kind of article that placed her sense of being someone sane in serious jeopardy. But, being the noble creature that she is, she decided to allow for some healthy debate. (WTF??? I plan to kill this guy who says twilight is pure crap, if I wasen't inhibited by endless miles of oceans, mountains and countries). But aha, here it is. Whose team are you on? Team Edward, Team jacob, Team bella or Team loser? Fate is in the hands of the intelligent reader. So, I place the contribution before your speculative eyes)

During my usual rounds of surfing channels on TV back and forth I was lucky enough to stumble on a lifestyle channel showing me the top best sellers of the month.
WTF?!!!!! Twilight???!!! Damn! That book which every girl seem to be drooling on for no particular reason. I had to read it.
I made a few calls to my friends who had the book. They had managed to survive the ordeal of reading all the 4 books. The common opinion among guys was not surprisingly “too much hype” or “don’t read it! Please for our sake!” and the girls “OMG!! Edward OMG!! Jacob” and they would fake a faint.
Jobless soul that I am, I had to learn more about this Edward and Jacob character who seemed to display the property of “female-magnetism” (and in some rare and weird cases males too). I got hold of the book from a rather nervous owner who was adamant that I return this precious novel within a week. What the hell is in this book which makes the teenagers so possessive? Why are they going gaga over it? Is it similar to Harry Potter? It had to be something if the movie beat the records of dark knights single day collection.
I’m half way into the book and I finally got my answers. The answer is that it has nothing! Yes, nothing (except for a love triangle). Stephanie Meyer you are a genius! Not because the novel is great, not because she created an ideal boy friend, but because she realized the potential of employing the irrational brains of teenagers who is filled with the ideas of college love stories. An emo girl suddenly finds a perfect guy who turns out to be a vampire, who is allergic to sunlight, add to this a werewolf on a mission to kill vampires. She just created a fairy tale for grownups! So who will be the next guy in her life? I’m hoping a dragon turns up from somewhere. So next time you fall in love with a guy hanging around in dark corners and getting ideas that he is a vampire let me warn you, you will be disappointed because sadly there is something called reality. Until then there will be more like Madame philter kaapi getting ideas that they are vampires.
So there you have it, ‘the twilight phenomenon’ a pandemic condition the cure for which is a sound and developed brain, age and saneness.

-Masala chaai

Sunday, January 10, 2010

I'm a vampire.

I can't sleep at midnight. I have vauge suspicions that I might, in fact, be a vampire. When half of your friends are ardent fans of this one gooey-eyed creepy totally outwordly stor(ies) called the "twilight saga" (which, in my opinion, goes against all rational thought and logical thinking, but is still kinda pleasing in its own mauky kind of way..., the vampire fear (or love, depending on who you are) finally gets to you one day.
The vampire craze is taking over the world, believe me.
or don't.
It's good if you don't belive me. Life is nicer.
But I swear they are lingering under your beds. Or watching you while you are asleep and doing you a favor by mumbling lovely-dovey things. Truely loving creatures, vampires, and I mistook them for monsters.
"Lovable Monsters" eh? You know, my peabrain cannot see sense into this.
But oh, they won't stop their ranting, so I'm pretending to listen. It's nicer, see?
Diplomatic. If you argue the point that vampires don't exist, you might hear it in your headline news, the next thing tomorrow, that crazy teenagers are jumping off cliffs at all possible locations.
So, I agree. Vampires exist. And I am one. Actually, I'm one of the cullens.
I'm nocturnal. I'm vegiterian. And I secretly shine in the sunshine, so I bunk classes when it's too sunny outside.
Love the cold, misty weather.
Yeah, suspicions are getting confirmed.
So you may queque up, guys.
Coz I'm a vampire.

yay! Keep looking for more such pointless scribbles!
Philter Kaapi

Saturday, January 2, 2010


Important year, eh?

Time to engage in the charectersitically human endevour of "celebrating". This absolutely intruiging act encompasses and includes jumping up and down on the sofa and buying 20 packets of carribean flavor frito lay chips to devour with members of your secret society who's primarly occupation happens to be depriving themselves of sleep in order to do most illuminating things such as watch zomibies blow their own heads off.
Well, you get the drift.

Really, the human speices interest me. Not that I'm from Mars or anything, but the way that we pass off most pointless things as something worthwhile is the most intruging of mysteries.
I don't stay up to watch people wish each other a happy new year.
I sleep. I snore. I dream of fluffy bunnies skipping about in lovely emerald meadows...
And get up the next day, all full of wonderful vital energy, ready to take over the world.

"Celebrating" new year is easy, and uncomplicated my way. But sigh, nobody listens to good old advise from a pipsqueak. Hence, I have to bear with the rest of the teenage world turning into aliens on New year's eve.
Aha, I must be growing up.
The travials of the intelligent, sagely souls who trasure all the wisdom of the world!

Sigh, it's like nobody listens to these profound words of wisdom.
Not that I care, anyway.
Just letting you know.

And oh, Happy new year, everybody.
I know I wished late.
Just goes to say I'm lazy. Just goes to say that I do weird things.
May all of you continue to be sleep-deprived, celebrate and do other equally pointless things these year!

Happy happy new year! :)

The first most profound words of wisdom from the sagely creature

Hello all,

I write this blog, in full awareness that you aren't familiar with who I am. Don't worry lads, I'll be pretty famous soon. Before everybody sleeps on the stone pavement in eager anticipation of my first, best selling novel, I'd like to declare to the world that I'm the most talented nincompoop on the face of this planet. Well, yeah, self-glorification is an addicting habit, and you will agree, very hard to get rid of.

My name is Philter Kaapi. Kinda lame. And not really my name. I maintain a secret identity coz it's cool. I use incorrect grammer, coz that's cool also. Some sagely creature told me that. Oh well, I forgot the name.
Now coming to the point.

When I was 6 months, I mostly wanted to cry and pee. When I was 7, I wanted to do cool things. When I was 14, I wanted to be an endocrinologist and learn to spell that word correctly.
I'm 19 now. heck. And I want to write.
Weird things happen, at weird ages.
I guess 19 means writing stuff.
So, the celestial heavens have ordained.
Another sagely creature told me that too.

So, a pointless blog.
A poitnless blog, to make me laugh.
A pointless blog to break free of the oh-my-gosh-ur-such-an-emo-nerd image. Pointless blog, to taint my image as the world's best sonneteer/poem-writer/author/dairist.
Pointless blog, to dump all the weird things that my brain conjures up.
Pointless blog, to proof I'm an absolute doofus. :)

You may pretend that you are listening.

Philter Kaapi