Sunday, March 27, 2011

Love Advice

There are few things in this world which are more complicated and difficult than initiating a first conversation with someone you like, although touching your nose with your tongue or climbing the Everest as the Yeti gives you chase come in as close second on the difficulty scale. But by god, you'd rather war with the invisible Yeti and get your bones crushed to smithereens or suffer frostbites that'll make your toes fall off than drop a "hi" to her, wouldn't you?
Yes, it's difficult to start. More so, if the person's an absolute stranger from the Internet.

Of course, there are ways to start, and Orkut taught us. "Hey u r bootiful, dear. ur eyes r lyk the first drop of dew dat's on lotus leaves at 4 a.m. in d morning (although why anyone would want to stare at dew on lotus leaves at 4 a.m. in the morning is still beyond me). "wana make frandship?" was most customary. Very flattering, yes, although not quite adequate, if--by good misfortune, the girl happens to be intelligent. (oh lord, no!! not intelligent of all things!)

Well, it's only a matter of time till someone comes up with something more foolproof. And someone did:

^ Yes, it's so nice! Now this is how you start your first conversation with a complete stranger: Which girl wouldn't enjoy the flattery, the beautiful beautiful poetry, and the way you elucidate the curl of her fake lashes? (Expensive mascara, I knew the 300 rupees was worth it!) How it would melt her timid, innocent, love-starved little heart!
Especially poetry. Which girl would be thick enough as to not appreciate original poetry? Especially the sorts that you could flick off and nobody would know?:

Unfortunately, my answer was simply a "I know."
I'm a disappointment to the race of stupid, beautiful women.
Now excuse me, I have to go write a poem. The sorts that is not flicked from or talk about the very very (un)brown eyes that god gave me.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The Perfume Paradox

Greetings dear friends,

This is Dr. Kinetics! After a very long pause, I am here again… to remind you that I am not a doctor. Do not mistake my qualification for an MD. (That would make me MaD!) I am a scientist and I have achieved two PhD’s (Passing Hardly with any Difficulty!) and… now I’m going to write this article for an engineering college’s magazine. I post my profound findings (seldom recognized by the Counsel of Intellectuals) on my blog ‘Ramblings of a MAD Scientist’. I’m not mad! M.A.D. stands for My Application’s Denied (by the Counsil). However, I’m also a member of the Parliament of Backyard Philosophers. You may pretend you are listening!

Now that my introduction is over, once again, let me explain to you the conclusions of my new research. A friend of mine, Torque Singh, recently observed and pointed out to me a very curious fact. And so I decided to get to work on it. Have you never noticed how Axe deodorants never actually work on men, tough the advertisements depict otherwise? Well, they are not fooling you. They cannot, since you are already fools. No, they are just mistaken. You see, women do not appreciate axe as much as men. Women appreciate feminine perfumes.

When I was researching Binaural waves (Alpha, Beta, Delta, Theta, and Omega), I noticed something. The pheromones from the hair of a women (be it a lab assistant or a secretary or just a lovely visitor) are most compelling waves themselves. Now what is it that enhances these pheromones?
I also observed that women prefer chocolate over men. Men do not prefer so much of chocolate. Perhaps we’re jealous, but that’s beside the point. Could chocolate be the factor enhancing the pheromones? I verified it later.

So the Axe manufacturers thought of this too. They tried bringing up chocolate flavors. No progress for the men. Women still prefer chocolate. Something’s still missing. And I concluded: Since men like Axe so much women should use Axe to attract men, and since women like feminine perfumes (such as Dior and Chanel No. 5) so much, it only makes sense if the male half of humanity makes a dive for it.

This lovely scent is the second most powerful wave to have hit me since the Binaural waves (which the Counsel believes is responsible for what they assume is my dementia). If this theory of mine could be put immediately to application, I could guarantee myself a Nobel Prize.

Please ‘stay tuned’. Bye for now!

Madly yours

Dr. Kinetics( MS, PhD, PhD and so on to infinity)

Friday, June 25, 2010

Messages-Part 1

It had been a rather cheerful day, sprinkled with a few death threats, and a few more suicidal e-mails. Kaapi’s caffeine-infected eyes scanned yet another message and thought to itself, in quiet resolve, “the world abounds in jerks,”—a statement oozing much profound wisdom. That, to her, was equivalent to an entire “I have a dream,” speech.

I don’t know about you, but I would consider the moment you are dying as a very wrong time to exchange pleasantries. You might consider a doctor a plausible person to go to during such instances, but unfortunately for most, such complex common sense seldom seeps into befuddled brains.


A message had suddenly come out of the blue. She looked at it for three whole minutes, and that was something to be said for a very quick thinker. A funeral invite, perhaps? Like “I am turning thirteen, please come,” Such grim reminders never worked much to increase the happiness factor in her life. She contemplated on what to do, and finally decided on fully freaking out to be a very appropriate response, given the situation.


Most sympathetic, I’d say. She spent the day in perpetual worry, hoping that there would finally be some hope at the end of the tunnel. she prayed hard, wishing somebody would continue to exist.

And then, had come the most profound reply.

“….to see you.”

Next time you write a letter, folks, don't forget to complete your sentences.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Imaginary Numbers

I would like to begin with some good news. No, I have still not been acknowledged by the Counsel of Intellectuals. And I have decided not to submit my ‘Hen and Egg’ research until they do so. However, I have been specially invited to join the Parliament of Backyard Philosophers at The Profound Words of Wisdom. I have been invited by Miss Philter Kaapi and my invitation has been supported by the votes of the majority. So I see that my intelligence has not been completely overlooked by this world.

So this would be my first(and hopefully not my last) article as a member of the Parliament. You may pretend that you are listening! I am Dr. Kinetics. I am NOT a doctor! I am a scientist. A theoretical Physicist, to be precise. I have two PhDs. I am aware that you do not and that I am much much smarter than you. I write articles which are a valuable source of intelligence on Ramblings of a Mad Scientist. MAD stand for ‘My Application’s Denied’, signifying my lack of recognition at the Council. I can therefore not join the other intellectuals... as of yet. PhD does not stand for ‘Passed With High Difficulty’. On the contrary, I exceeded the expectation of all my high school examiners every time I appeared at the examination hall. PhD means ‘Doctor of Philosophy’ and I am here to share with you my philosophy.

I would like to discuss with you the concept of imaginary numbers. No, I am not talking about your dream salary or cooked up math score or the number of degrees your great great grand daughter has. I am talking about the numbers which are multiples of the square root of negative one (-1).

Let us consider this integer (-1). It is not a natural number. This does not mean we produce such numbers in the factory. It merely means that you cannot count in negatives. Imagine two kids playing hide and seek. One of them closes his eyes and counts: “zero, minus one, minus two, minus three…”. It’s not possible! You cannot have negative quantities, even if you travel back in time or live life counting your age like Benjamin Button (a curious case indeed). And hence you cannot count in negatives. Well, unless you’re counting your score in an exam or quiz which involves negative marking for every mistake you make and you have not done well enough to balance it with sufficient right answers.

So i(Greek alphabet iota) would be an imaginary number if it is the square root of (-1). And i6789.5463 would be an imaginary number too. Because you cannot practically find the square root of (-1). That’s like finding liquid water at 0 K (Zero Kelvin or absolute zero, below which no temperature can be measured). In other words, you cannot do that. You may put that calculator away! An imaginary number is used only for theoretical purposes by Theoreticians (yes, like me).

A few days back I did a small research on the Parliament. In other words, I had a look through the blog. I notice that Kachaguli Pencil specializes in artistic sketches and uses it to skillfully humiliate his former English teacher who definitely must have been quite a disaster. I enjoy his sense of humor. Swami Unknownananda has gone away to seek his wisdom under a Bhodi tree. Masala Chai has bitten back what he was about to say. He will let you know what it is when the right time arrives. And last but not the least, Philter Kaapi is the great philosopher whose spectrum of dealings ranges from whether New Year’s eve is to be slept through or not, to How Not To Woo A Girl. I’d say that’s amazing! If we could all find out what we're not supposed to do, then we’d probably become experts in what we do DO. I’m going to follow this blog’s instructions (or rather anti-instructions) and see if I do succeed in winning my true love…

*Cough! Cough!* Ahem! I hope that introduces me now. Anyway, my posts will henceforth be visible on Profound Words of Wisdom as well, so please ‘stay tuned’. Bye for now!

Madly yours

Dr. Kinetics( MS, PhD, PhD and so on to infinity)

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

How Not to Woo a girl-- Part 2

When I landed in an extraordinary predicament (as usual), a few weeks back, I had clearly elucidated how I had saved mankind from the greatest of disasters. Turning therapist to bring enlightenment to the lost souls of the world, I had stood there like a beacon, the true hope, the knowledge that lights up our world so as to erase dumbassness from the minds of the confounded.

Aha, I am a great soul. And although it would be nice to say that I'm the only most wonderful person on this earth (that would certainly make me feel special), I shall be modest enough to acknowlegde the presence of souls much, much greater than myself.

There have been many others like me---the really remarkable people, the spiritually enriched, who are intent on guiding you in matters such as how (not) to be a love failure. Linda Goodman, Loos Maada and Sania Mirza, to name a few. Divine people.

But the guru, they say, surpasses all. And today, I consider you bow before this genTAAALman for his profound words of true expression, “isstrait from the heart.”
His questions, such as “How is dha locasshion?” “Wadamdoing?!!!” happen to be one of the most profound questions posed to human kind.

Supreme soul, may thy knowledge save all of the human race: guide them in things like wooing girls, spurring intellectual growth, exhibiting dumbassness and amazing proficiency in how to be pathetic.

Don't forget to bow before the enlightened one, before you take leave. And please mind your chappals.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Theory of the APEchuic Evolution!

(BREAKING NEWS: Kachaguli Pencil has made GROUNDBREAKING discoveries in the field of evolutionary biology!! His theory of APEchuic evolution has revolutionized the way we think about a certain English teacher who had long since been suspected to be showing symptoms of Anti-Darwinism. The inquisitive scientist and the awesomeness factor in KP have lead to the most startling and praise-worthily works in all of biological science. Screw genetics. They are throwing that out of the window. Looks like the biological sciences found a new dogma. His scientific journey is complete today, with his contribution being short-listed for the Nobel.
As the members of the Parliment of Backyard Philosophers,we couldn’t’ have been more proud of his achievement!
And this blog is more than privileged to be the first Rosetta stone documenting his astonishing discoveries


This complex thoery describes the baffling evolution of the apechic being..
it is a well known fact that our english teacher IS actually the elusive "missing link";
truly astounding how she manages to blend in (somewhat) to our society , despite the many obvious social shortcomings one would associate with an ape!!

Because of her comendable, yet inexplicable success in adapting to this present day environment, i decided to do some research regarding how apechu got this far!!
Aproaching this issue with the most logical & scientific temperment,i successfully traced out the origins of this fascinating being!
ALSO, based on the pattern of her evolutionary growth so far, i have meticulously predicted the most likely path her journey of evolution will take her to!!

In order to make my findings more easily understood by the masses, i decided upon a pictiorial representaion to clearly draw out my profound conlusions!!

In short, this is what it all boils down to, folks:

Saturday, April 17, 2010

How not to Woo a girl

My life is a fascinating experience because incredible things happen to me all the time. Take for instance, being in exotic predicaments such as aliens consulting you for solutions to their love problems. Such things don’t happen to everyone. Even NASA hasn’t been as privileged as me.

So, when a kindly alien dropped by to say hi, I was naturally expecting a more normal discussion such as how overtake the world, invade other planets and clean up existing garbage. But all conversations turned to serious matters such as alien’s love problems, which is such a complex science to understand. It would be very hard, then, for me to bring enlightenment to a creature that cares only about how machines work.

This alien was one of a kind. Apart from fostering incredible brilliance in matters involving boring things like logic, he had also gone undercover in the guise of a mechanical engineering student at a reputed college. In the process, he had metamorphosized into a true nerd, falling in love with his books instead of earthlings called girls. There were many things that required correction. He was infatuated with the wrong species. I knew it would be hard to make him fall in love, and finally woo a girl. But I was determined.

“Aha” I said, leaning back, “Why don’t we start off with some introductory therapy?”

“Sure, madam,” came the prompt reply.

I decided to start off by testing his taste, because matters of preference have a vital role in matters such as identifying, and wooing earthling females from engineering colleges. Matrimony is a delicate art. Wooing girls is an even more delicate art, as Philter Kaapi knows.

The test was simple enough. I would show the alien a few pictures of girls, and would ask him to rate them on prettiness on a scale of 10, for which, the mechanical-engineering-student-cum-alien never went past 8.9999. This became food for incredible thought, especially after the alien declared that, “I never give a 10/10 to any girl, no matter how pretty she is, because just like there are no ideal machines in this world which have 100% efficiency, no girl is fully pretty.”

Profound words, that. He was too much in love with his textbooks to ever fall in love with a girl.

It would take much commitment and mammoth efforts to change such perceptions. Especially for people who are from mars.

I thought I had a lot of work to do.
I would like to skip past all the details of the number of lectures that I gave, and the alien attended. Finally, I taught him a thing or two about girls, their behavior and their mental processes. The alien took a lot of time to digest the facts. It took many, many months of hardwork and patient guidance to help the poor should alter his perceptions that textbooks were beautiful. Finally, after many months of darkness, I had begun to see some signs of improvement. There was hope.

At the end of the training sessions, I allowed him to leave with all my blessings and infinite good wishes. I had tears in my eyes then.

“Tell me of the day, when you finally learn to fall in love with a girl, and get talking to her. Remember, when you fall in love….get to befriend her. Talk to her, and the first thing you should do to create a good impression is to give her a compliment, and tell her how you feel.” I advised.

2 weeks later, he burst in through the door.

“I fell in love!” he said. “The moment I saw her, I knew she was the one. The blood rushed through my veins, and my heart turned erratic…..”
“Aha!” I exclaimed, with tears of joy in my eyes, “You have finally learnt about the magic of true love!! Did you talk to her?”
“Yes, I did!!! And she seemed pretty interested in me too….”

“Brilliant, my good fellow!” I said in jubilation, patting him on the back.
(If you want a happy ending, you can stop reading here!)

“Until I told her how I felt….”

I sensed something wrong. My heart sank. “What happened?”
“I told her that I had feelings for her, and she walked away! I don’t get it!”

I contemplated deeply. It shouldn’t have worked that way. There seemed to be a flaw….something was amiss. Finally, I mouthed, “What exactly did you tell her?”

For which the mechanical engineer replied, “'you create enough drag in my lovuodynamically shaped heart to create a lift!!”

Sigh. I guess I still have a lot of work to do.

*Note: The ingeunity behind this post has been stolen from Marty's famous mouth.