Messages-Part 1

It had been a rather cheerful day, sprinkled with a few death threats, and a few more suicidal e-mails. Kaapi’s caffeine-infected eyes scanned yet another message and thought to itself, in quiet resolve, “the world abounds in jerks,”—a statement oozing much profound wisdom. That, to her, was equivalent to an entire “I have a dream,” speech.

I don’t know about you, but I would consider the moment you are dying as a very wrong time to exchange pleasantries. You might consider a doctor a plausible person to go to during such instances, but unfortunately for most, such complex common sense seldom seeps into befuddled brains.

“I YAM DEIN.”

A message had suddenly come out of the blue. She looked at it for three whole minutes, and that was something to be said for a very quick thinker. A funeral invite, perhaps? Like “I am turning thirteen, please come,” Such grim reminders never worked much to increase the happiness factor in her life. She contemplated on what to do, and finally decided on fully freaking out to be a very appropriate response, given the situation.

“WOHMAGOSSSSH NO, DON’T DO THISSSS, IT IS WOKAY!! DON’T KILL YOURSELF; I AM HERE FOR U FOR THE REST OF ETENRITY. ARE YOU OK? DID YOU DRINK A BOTTLE OF SAVLON LIQUID SOAP? I KNEW U HAD SUICIDAL TENDENCIES, PLZ PLZ TAKE CARE, DON’T RUSH WITH THIS. PLZ. I KNOW YOUR LIFE IS CRAP AND EVERYTHING, BUT PLEASE DON’T TAKE THIS TO THE EXTREME. WHAT WILL YOUR PARENTS THINK? WHAT WILL YOUR FRIENDS THINK? YOU NEED TO CHEER UP, PLEASE!!! LIFE IS NOT JUST ABOUT EXISTING, IT’S ABOUT LIVING; SHOW THE WORLD THAT YOU CAN LIVE!! YOU CAN DO THIS, BUDDY! YOU REALLY REALLY CAN!!! COME ON NOW, DON’T BE DEPRESSED. WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF? PLEASE DON’T DIE!”

Most sympathetic, I’d say. She spent the day in perpetual worry, hoping that there would finally be some hope at the end of the tunnel. she prayed hard, wishing somebody would continue to exist.

And then, had come the most profound reply.

“….to see you.”

Next time you write a letter, folks, don't forget to complete your sentences.

Imaginary Numbers

I would like to begin with some good news. No, I have still not been acknowledged by the Counsel of Intellectuals. And I have decided not to submit my ‘Hen and Egg’ research until they do so. However, I have been specially invited to join the Parliament of Backyard Philosophers at The Profound Words of Wisdom. I have been invited by Miss Philter Kaapi and my invitation has been supported by the votes of the majority. So I see that my intelligence has not been completely overlooked by this world.

So this would be my first(and hopefully not my last) article as a member of the Parliament. You may pretend that you are listening! I am Dr. Kinetics. I am NOT a doctor! I am a scientist. A theoretical Physicist, to be precise. I have two PhDs. I am aware that you do not and that I am much much smarter than you. I write articles which are a valuable source of intelligence on Ramblings of a Mad Scientist. MAD stand for ‘My Application’s Denied’, signifying my lack of recognition at the Council. I can therefore not join the other intellectuals... as of yet. PhD does not stand for ‘Passed With High Difficulty’. On the contrary, I exceeded the expectation of all my high school examiners every time I appeared at the examination hall. PhD means ‘Doctor of Philosophy’ and I am here to share with you my philosophy.

I would like to discuss with you the concept of imaginary numbers. No, I am not talking about your dream salary or cooked up math score or the number of degrees your great great grand daughter has. I am talking about the numbers which are multiples of the square root of negative one (-1).

Let us consider this integer (-1). It is not a natural number. This does not mean we produce such numbers in the factory. It merely means that you cannot count in negatives. Imagine two kids playing hide and seek. One of them closes his eyes and counts: “zero, minus one, minus two, minus three…”. It’s not possible! You cannot have negative quantities, even if you travel back in time or live life counting your age like Benjamin Button (a curious case indeed). And hence you cannot count in negatives. Well, unless you’re counting your score in an exam or quiz which involves negative marking for every mistake you make and you have not done well enough to balance it with sufficient right answers.

So i(Greek alphabet iota) would be an imaginary number if it is the square root of (-1). And i6789.5463 would be an imaginary number too. Because you cannot practically find the square root of (-1). That’s like finding liquid water at 0 K (Zero Kelvin or absolute zero, below which no temperature can be measured). In other words, you cannot do that. You may put that calculator away! An imaginary number is used only for theoretical purposes by Theoreticians (yes, like me).

A few days back I did a small research on the Parliament. In other words, I had a look through the blog. I notice that Kachaguli Pencil specializes in artistic sketches and uses it to skillfully humiliate his former English teacher who definitely must have been quite a disaster. I enjoy his sense of humor. Swami Unknownananda has gone away to seek his wisdom under a Bhodi tree. Masala Chai has bitten back what he was about to say. He will let you know what it is when the right time arrives. And last but not the least, Philter Kaapi is the great philosopher whose spectrum of dealings ranges from whether New Year’s eve is to be slept through or not, to How Not To Woo A Girl. I’d say that’s amazing! If we could all find out what we're not supposed to do, then we’d probably become experts in what we do DO. I’m going to follow this blog’s instructions (or rather anti-instructions) and see if I do succeed in winning my true love…

*Cough! Cough!* Ahem! I hope that introduces me now. Anyway, my posts will henceforth be visible on Profound Words of Wisdom as well, so please ‘stay tuned’. Bye for now!

Madly yours

Dr. Kinetics( MS, PhD, PhD and so on to infinity)

How Not to Woo a girl-- Part 2

When I landed in an extraordinary predicament (as usual), a few weeks back, I had clearly elucidated how I had saved mankind from the greatest of disasters. Turning therapist to bring enlightenment to the lost souls of the world, I had stood there like a beacon, the true hope, the knowledge that lights up our world so as to erase dumbassness from the minds of the confounded.

Aha, I am a great soul. And although it would be nice to say that I'm the only most wonderful person on this earth (that would certainly make me feel special), I shall be modest enough to acknowlegde the presence of souls much, much greater than myself.

There have been many others like me---the really remarkable people, the spiritually enriched, who are intent on guiding you in matters such as how (not) to be a love failure. Linda Goodman, Loos Maada and Sania Mirza, to name a few. Divine people.

But the guru, they say, surpasses all. And today, I consider you bow before this genTAAALman for his profound words of true expression, “isstrait from the heart.”
His questions, such as “How is dha locasshion?” “Wadamdoing?!!!” happen to be one of the most profound questions posed to human kind.

Supreme soul, may thy knowledge save all of the human race: guide them in things like wooing girls, spurring intellectual growth, exhibiting dumbassness and amazing proficiency in how to be pathetic.




Don't forget to bow before the enlightened one, before you take leave. And please mind your chappals.

The Theory of the APEchuic Evolution!

(BREAKING NEWS: Kachaguli Pencil has made GROUNDBREAKING discoveries in the field of evolutionary biology!! His theory of APEchuic evolution has revolutionized the way we think about a certain English teacher who had long since been suspected to be showing symptoms of Anti-Darwinism. The inquisitive scientist and the awesomeness factor in KP have lead to the most startling and praise-worthily works in all of biological science. Screw genetics. They are throwing that out of the window. Looks like the biological sciences found a new dogma. His scientific journey is complete today, with his contribution being short-listed for the Nobel.
As the members of the Parliment of Backyard Philosophers,we couldn’t’ have been more proud of his achievement!
And this blog is more than privileged to be the first Rosetta stone documenting his astonishing discoveries.)

APECHUIC EVOLUTION, EXPLAINED.


This complex thoery describes the baffling evolution of the apechic being..
it is a well known fact that our english teacher IS actually the elusive "missing link";
truly astounding how she manages to blend in (somewhat) to our society , despite the many obvious social shortcomings one would associate with an ape!!

Because of her comendable, yet inexplicable success in adapting to this present day environment, i decided to do some research regarding how apechu got this far!!
Aproaching this issue with the most logical & scientific temperment,i successfully traced out the origins of this fascinating being!
ALSO, based on the pattern of her evolutionary growth so far, i have meticulously predicted the most likely path her journey of evolution will take her to!!

In order to make my findings more easily understood by the masses, i decided upon a pictiorial representaion to clearly draw out my profound conlusions!!

In short, this is what it all boils down to, folks:

How not to Woo a girl

My life is a fascinating experience because incredible things happen to me all the time. Take for instance, being in exotic predicaments such as aliens consulting you for solutions to their love problems. Such things don’t happen to everyone. Even NASA hasn’t been as privileged as me.

So, when a kindly alien dropped by to say hi, I was naturally expecting a more normal discussion such as how overtake the world, invade other planets and clean up existing garbage. But all conversations turned to serious matters such as alien’s love problems, which is such a complex science to understand. It would be very hard, then, for me to bring enlightenment to a creature that cares only about how machines work.

This alien was one of a kind. Apart from fostering incredible brilliance in matters involving boring things like logic, he had also gone undercover in the guise of a mechanical engineering student at a reputed college. In the process, he had metamorphosized into a true nerd, falling in love with his books instead of earthlings called girls. There were many things that required correction. He was infatuated with the wrong species. I knew it would be hard to make him fall in love, and finally woo a girl. But I was determined.

“Aha” I said, leaning back, “Why don’t we start off with some introductory therapy?”

“Sure, madam,” came the prompt reply.

I decided to start off by testing his taste, because matters of preference have a vital role in matters such as identifying, and wooing earthling females from engineering colleges. Matrimony is a delicate art. Wooing girls is an even more delicate art, as Philter Kaapi knows.

The test was simple enough. I would show the alien a few pictures of girls, and would ask him to rate them on prettiness on a scale of 10, for which, the mechanical-engineering-student-cum-alien never went past 8.9999. This became food for incredible thought, especially after the alien declared that, “I never give a 10/10 to any girl, no matter how pretty she is, because just like there are no ideal machines in this world which have 100% efficiency, no girl is fully pretty.”

Profound words, that. He was too much in love with his textbooks to ever fall in love with a girl.

It would take much commitment and mammoth efforts to change such perceptions. Especially for people who are from mars.

I thought I had a lot of work to do.

I would like to skip past all the details of the number of lectures that I gave, and the alien attended. Finally, I taught him a thing or two about girls, their behavior and their mental processes. The alien took a lot of time to digest the facts. It took many, many months of hardwork and patient guidance to help the poor should alter his perceptions that textbooks were beautiful. Finally, after many months of darkness, I had begun to see some signs of improvement. There was hope.

At the end of the training sessions, I allowed him to leave with all my blessings and infinite good wishes. I had tears in my eyes then.

“Tell me of the day, when you finally learn to fall in love with a girl, and get talking to her. Remember, when you fall in love….get to befriend her. Talk to her, and the first thing you should do to create a good impression is to give her a compliment, and tell her how you feel.” I advised.

2 weeks later, he burst in through the door.

“I fell in love!” he said. “The moment I saw her, I knew she was the one. The blood rushed through my veins, and my heart turned erratic…..”

“Aha!” I exclaimed, with tears of joy in my eyes, “You have finally learnt about the magic of true love!! Did you talk to her?”

“Yes, I did!!! And she seemed pretty interested in me too….”

“Brilliant, my good fellow!” I said in jubilation, patting him on the back.

(If you want a happy ending, you can stop reading here!)

“Until I told her how I felt….”

I sensed something wrong. My heart sank. “What happened?”

“I told her that I had feelings for her, and she walked away! I don’t get it!”

I contemplated deeply. It shouldn’t have worked that way. There seemed to be a flaw….something was amiss. Finally, I mouthed, “What exactly did you tell her?”

For which the mechanical engineer replied, “'you create enough drag in my lovuodynamically shaped heart to create a lift!!”

Sigh. I guess I still have a lot of work to do.

*Note: The ingeunity behind this post has been stolen from Marty's famous mouth.

Swami Unknownananda's first words of wisdom

Hi Friends! I am Swami Unknownananda. Well, you may be wondering who I am. Before answering your question, I would like to thank my disciple V@$K1N for encouraging me to use the internet and forcing me to be a part of profound words of wisdom blog. Then, of course, I thank Miss Philter Kaapi for giving me an opportunity to share my views through this blog without whom it would have been impossible for you to see this post.

Without further ado, let me tell you how I became Swami Unknownananda. I'm usually a pretty cheerful guy, but I was fed up with the way our education system works, with the way my life was, those one sided love which never became 2 way. To be precise, I was fed up with everything associated with my life. There were only 2 options running through my mind.
1) Suicide
2) Run away from this materialistic world and settle down somewhere either in the Himalayas or in a place like Haridwar.

You need some kind of crazy courage to commit suicide and that thing was missing in me. Moreover, my parents and friends told me that they would be more than happy to make arrangements for my demise, which took out all the fun in my dramatic statement. I wanted to proove a point by existing, anyway. So, option 1 was completely ruled out.

I was brought up in a comfortable environment and I didn’t know the meaning of difficulty and hard work (I don’t think that I know their meanings even now). Running away meant that, you should be strong enough to face the difficulties. I wasn’t mentally and physically prepared for it. As this is the only option left, I thought of preparing before rejecting this materialistic life and I knew that it would take some time. I decided to run away only after good amount of preparation (unlike the preparations for exams where u can pass even without sufficient preparation)

Over the next few days, I learnt more about Gautama Buddha. I found out that he rejected his material life after his marriage and he got enlightened after sitting under a bodhi tree. I was greatly inspired by him and wanted to follow his footsteps but I wasn’t married to anyone (That’s the only problem I faced). I am in the last year of my teen and I guess, I have to wait for another 5 or 6 years to run away. Till then, I will be searching for a suitable bodhi tree and protect it for people like me. I am eagerly waiting for that particular day in my life when I become Knownananda from Unknownananda. The world will hopefully start worshipping me from that moment.

Note: I am not a godman. I am just a common man with a crazy goal in my mind.

The Induction of Kachaguli Pencil into the Parliment of Backyard Philosophers and major things like that.

I wish the Parliament of Backyard Philosophers was subject to description by Dan Brown. He would have undoubtedly made us sound like something cool and not like the retards that we actually are. (Ok, for all purposes, I’m leaving out people like Masala Chai and the newly-inducted Kachaguli Pencil for the fear of being chased by a broom, or to be made to live without filter coffee for the rest of my life because saying mean things isn’t nice.) But the whole point is, I hope we had this ubercool, ultra-secret mantra to chant, weird, billowing scarlet robes, fine British accent, and more tall people who would die to uphold the noble secrets of the brotherhood.

The parliament of backyard philosophers ain’t anything like the ideal brotherhood.

Firstly because there is no way it can be a brotherhood.
Hello? I’m a girl. A proud one at that too. Thank you very much.

Secondly, we have no secrets to protect, as much as we don’t’ have the cool British accent.

And thirdly, there is no uniformity. We’re not all alike, although we share quite a few similarities. For example, I’m stupid. And they aren’t. We have major differences like that.

But there is this one thing that the bloggers here have in common. We like humor. And we don’t’ hesitate to show off our goofiness to the world. This is our emblem, our anthem, and everything that Dan Brown would love to write about.

So without much ado, let me proceed to introduce our newest Senator.
*drum rolls in the background*

Introducing Kachaguli Pencil!!!! (You must say Tah-dah!) The fine humorist with the magic touch. With cartooning skills that are going to shake this world!
I’m proud that he’s among us. He can make us look cooler. And of course, I’m hoping I can take all the credit. (Ok, let’s forget I ever said that. Ahem). Now he’s a remarkable guy, with a totally amazing talent, and I’m just so glad that he bore with all my pestering and decided to chip in. Thank you for joining. It’s the best decision you ever made in your whole entire life, buddy. (You know, for the extra dramatic effect.)

Hearty Welcome to you, Kachaguli Pencil—the one valiant cartoonist who goes against all odds and who has been brave enough to draw wonderfully detailed caricatures under the nose of the English Teachers when they were teaching in class without ever getting caught, or being sent to jail—an utterly remarkable feat worthy of my complete admiration . That makes you totally worship-worthy, brother! You are one true hero. I’m sure many people will look up to you!

And without further ado, I hand over the pencil to Kachaguli Pencil, because he has a few words to say.]

Hello everyone!! this is kachaguli pencil, im new here!! iv been invited by miss philter kaapi to join "profound word of wisdom" as a guest blogger!!
yay me!
these new developments have come to materialize owing to my awesomeness, & the benevolence of miss pk!! :D thanks miss pk!!

who for some reason took a strange liking to some silly cartoons I drew up in coll, about a dangerously retarded English teacher we both shared in our short stint at Kumarans Pre University college.
funny thing is I seem to have made myself forget the actual name of this teacher in question!, For purposes of my own safety, I shall resort to call her "apechu" which i pronounce thus:

"ape" +"chu"="apechu"! :P

the actual & correct pronunciation & spelling of the name remain unclear to me, but it was really hard to prevent this estrangement, because my variation to the name describes our teacher in a nutshell!!
With all due respect, I have but found some totally uncanny resemblances which force me to use this name in reference to her, which I fine more than apt, because:

1)she was rather hairy for a woman , just like an ape!
2)she had in I.Q of 8, just like an ape!
3)she could be easily provoked & angered, just like an ape!
4)she quite apparently shared her skull with homo erectus, just like an ape!
5)she always kept bananas on her staff room desk, just like an ape!
6)she made her debut into acting with the movie king Kong 2, & made her way into many other feature presentations such as: buddy, mighty Joe young, planet of the apes, MXP(most extreme primate),slum dog millionaire & George of the jungle.
7)she would sometimes pick her hair for fleas, just like an ape!
8)she....um ok that’s enough, i think i might've begun to stray with the last one so I'll stop!

by now I’m hoping iv drawn a clear picture of the kind of person we're dealing with here! this woman practically walked around with a "please make fun of me! ,I’ve earned it" sign stuck to her back!!
so how can one pass up such a generous offer?! & what better way to do it than make silly ,senseless, accurately exaggerated cartoons that depict the everyday life of our English teacher!
regards,
kachaguli pencil!!

(*Afternote, for purposes of never being sued:

Don’t’ get me wrong, we aren’t trying to make all the English teachers in this world disappear. I’m hoping that you guys will take it in the right sense of humor. We aren’t trying to demoralize the worth of English teachers here by zeroing in on their exaggerated features, nor are we deciding to be mean. We are but a bunch of bored students who have decided to show you that there exists a direct link between human evolution and apes. I mean, even Darwin did that and didn’t get sued. We are just harnessing our creative instincts in a very harmless fashion, and hope that it will be received in the most light-hearted of ways, because our creativity isn’t anything dense.
You may wait for the beautiful cartoons in the next post in all earnest. I swear you guys will love it!! )