Messages-Part 1

It had been a rather cheerful day, sprinkled with a few death threats, and a few more suicidal e-mails. Kaapi’s caffeine-infected eyes scanned yet another message and thought to itself, in quiet resolve, “the world abounds in jerks,”—a statement oozing much profound wisdom. That, to her, was equivalent to an entire “I have a dream,” speech.

I don’t know about you, but I would consider the moment you are dying as a very wrong time to exchange pleasantries. You might consider a doctor a plausible person to go to during such instances, but unfortunately for most, such complex common sense seldom seeps into befuddled brains.

“I YAM DEIN.”

A message had suddenly come out of the blue. She looked at it for three whole minutes, and that was something to be said for a very quick thinker. A funeral invite, perhaps? Like “I am turning thirteen, please come,” Such grim reminders never worked much to increase the happiness factor in her life. She contemplated on what to do, and finally decided on fully freaking out to be a very appropriate response, given the situation.

“WOHMAGOSSSSH NO, DON’T DO THISSSS, IT IS WOKAY!! DON’T KILL YOURSELF; I AM HERE FOR U FOR THE REST OF ETENRITY. ARE YOU OK? DID YOU DRINK A BOTTLE OF SAVLON LIQUID SOAP? I KNEW U HAD SUICIDAL TENDENCIES, PLZ PLZ TAKE CARE, DON’T RUSH WITH THIS. PLZ. I KNOW YOUR LIFE IS CRAP AND EVERYTHING, BUT PLEASE DON’T TAKE THIS TO THE EXTREME. WHAT WILL YOUR PARENTS THINK? WHAT WILL YOUR FRIENDS THINK? YOU NEED TO CHEER UP, PLEASE!!! LIFE IS NOT JUST ABOUT EXISTING, IT’S ABOUT LIVING; SHOW THE WORLD THAT YOU CAN LIVE!! YOU CAN DO THIS, BUDDY! YOU REALLY REALLY CAN!!! COME ON NOW, DON’T BE DEPRESSED. WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF? PLEASE DON’T DIE!”

Most sympathetic, I’d say. She spent the day in perpetual worry, hoping that there would finally be some hope at the end of the tunnel. she prayed hard, wishing somebody would continue to exist.

And then, had come the most profound reply.

“….to see you.”

Next time you write a letter, folks, don't forget to complete your sentences.

How Not to Woo a girl-- Part 2

When I landed in an extraordinary predicament (as usual), a few weeks back, I had clearly elucidated how I had saved mankind from the greatest of disasters. Turning therapist to bring enlightenment to the lost souls of the world, I had stood there like a beacon, the true hope, the knowledge that lights up our world so as to erase dumbassness from the minds of the confounded.

Aha, I am a great soul. And although it would be nice to say that I'm the only most wonderful person on this earth (that would certainly make me feel special), I shall be modest enough to acknowlegde the presence of souls much, much greater than myself.

There have been many others like me---the really remarkable people, the spiritually enriched, who are intent on guiding you in matters such as how (not) to be a love failure. Linda Goodman, Loos Maada and Sania Mirza, to name a few. Divine people.

But the guru, they say, surpasses all. And today, I consider you bow before this genTAAALman for his profound words of true expression, “isstrait from the heart.”
His questions, such as “How is dha locasshion?” “Wadamdoing?!!!” happen to be one of the most profound questions posed to human kind.

Supreme soul, may thy knowledge save all of the human race: guide them in things like wooing girls, spurring intellectual growth, exhibiting dumbassness and amazing proficiency in how to be pathetic.




Don't forget to bow before the enlightened one, before you take leave. And please mind your chappals.

How not to Woo a girl

My life is a fascinating experience because incredible things happen to me all the time. Take for instance, being in exotic predicaments such as aliens consulting you for solutions to their love problems. Such things don’t happen to everyone. Even NASA hasn’t been as privileged as me.

So, when a kindly alien dropped by to say hi, I was naturally expecting a more normal discussion such as how overtake the world, invade other planets and clean up existing garbage. But all conversations turned to serious matters such as alien’s love problems, which is such a complex science to understand. It would be very hard, then, for me to bring enlightenment to a creature that cares only about how machines work.

This alien was one of a kind. Apart from fostering incredible brilliance in matters involving boring things like logic, he had also gone undercover in the guise of a mechanical engineering student at a reputed college. In the process, he had metamorphosized into a true nerd, falling in love with his books instead of earthlings called girls. There were many things that required correction. He was infatuated with the wrong species. I knew it would be hard to make him fall in love, and finally woo a girl. But I was determined.

“Aha” I said, leaning back, “Why don’t we start off with some introductory therapy?”

“Sure, madam,” came the prompt reply.

I decided to start off by testing his taste, because matters of preference have a vital role in matters such as identifying, and wooing earthling females from engineering colleges. Matrimony is a delicate art. Wooing girls is an even more delicate art, as Philter Kaapi knows.

The test was simple enough. I would show the alien a few pictures of girls, and would ask him to rate them on prettiness on a scale of 10, for which, the mechanical-engineering-student-cum-alien never went past 8.9999. This became food for incredible thought, especially after the alien declared that, “I never give a 10/10 to any girl, no matter how pretty she is, because just like there are no ideal machines in this world which have 100% efficiency, no girl is fully pretty.”

Profound words, that. He was too much in love with his textbooks to ever fall in love with a girl.

It would take much commitment and mammoth efforts to change such perceptions. Especially for people who are from mars.

I thought I had a lot of work to do.

I would like to skip past all the details of the number of lectures that I gave, and the alien attended. Finally, I taught him a thing or two about girls, their behavior and their mental processes. The alien took a lot of time to digest the facts. It took many, many months of hardwork and patient guidance to help the poor should alter his perceptions that textbooks were beautiful. Finally, after many months of darkness, I had begun to see some signs of improvement. There was hope.

At the end of the training sessions, I allowed him to leave with all my blessings and infinite good wishes. I had tears in my eyes then.

“Tell me of the day, when you finally learn to fall in love with a girl, and get talking to her. Remember, when you fall in love….get to befriend her. Talk to her, and the first thing you should do to create a good impression is to give her a compliment, and tell her how you feel.” I advised.

2 weeks later, he burst in through the door.

“I fell in love!” he said. “The moment I saw her, I knew she was the one. The blood rushed through my veins, and my heart turned erratic…..”

“Aha!” I exclaimed, with tears of joy in my eyes, “You have finally learnt about the magic of true love!! Did you talk to her?”

“Yes, I did!!! And she seemed pretty interested in me too….”

“Brilliant, my good fellow!” I said in jubilation, patting him on the back.

(If you want a happy ending, you can stop reading here!)

“Until I told her how I felt….”

I sensed something wrong. My heart sank. “What happened?”

“I told her that I had feelings for her, and she walked away! I don’t get it!”

I contemplated deeply. It shouldn’t have worked that way. There seemed to be a flaw….something was amiss. Finally, I mouthed, “What exactly did you tell her?”

For which the mechanical engineer replied, “'you create enough drag in my lovuodynamically shaped heart to create a lift!!”

Sigh. I guess I still have a lot of work to do.

*Note: The ingeunity behind this post has been stolen from Marty's famous mouth.