Surprise Surprise!!!

There are different sorts of people in this world. The intelligent ones, the neurotic ones, the absolutely anal ones. Although this world is surprisingly plentiful in the last category of homo-sapien, you once in a while chance across specimens which form a refreshingly wonderful blend of all these qualities. And such things, let me tell you, are like finding required equations scribbled on your bench when it’s time to take your final exam.

And coming across somebody who existed all this while but you never noticed existed is one of the exotic privelages that this networking obsessed generation is blessed with. I bumped into the seemingly boring junior from school and college who had knew all the friends I knew, who humilated the same teachers by the same nicknames and who hated all the same people!!! Now it was time to engage in the worthwhile activity of prodding the hell out of the new friend with amazingly boring questions like “Oh, did you study Electronics of Biology back in college, mister?”
(Can you BELIEVE I called you “Mister”??) :D

Well, I’m not directing a Tele-serial, so let me skip over the enlightening details to today. Today, the world is different. Today, Marty's no stranger. Today, the philosopher reclined on her easy chair and asked herself a fundamental question.

No, I didn’t ask myself what the purpose of existence was, why my teeth was purple yesterday or for that matter, why a certain professor snorts a highly musical snort before she utters every single sentence. All these questions were agreeably extremely complex and were high contenders for contemplation of the idling Socrates’ brain, but they never made it into the thinking grey cells.

I asked myself How many times can Marty afford to get his legs pulled again and again by Philter Kaapi without losing it?

It is a quite prevalent and undisputed fact, (JUST LIKE Newton’s Laws, the S.A.S. postulate and the if-it-looks-like-a-triangle-then-its-a-triangle theorem) that Philter Kaapi has finally lost her wits. Loony Lakshmi has been another label for this infamous individual, so it would be most apt to conclude that people who choose to associate themselves with Kaapi can be strongly influenced to become demented enough to think that their entire life is a movie. Kaapi has the knack of pulling the legs of each and every person who manages to find anything sane in her speech and her sense of sarcastic humor. And her recipe for lunacy is thus:

(a) Leave a billion nonsense illogical scribbles on such a person’s wall, which might be things like “eeeeeeeeeeewwww!” or, “I’m NOT married to Mister PAUL!” which have no particular inkling to the other person’s life. They are very much out of context, abstract, and weird.
(b) Figure out who the lady love of the aforementioned individual is, and tease him to death with her codename and enjoy the sadistic pleasure of having to watch the other person squealing for mercy.
(c) Spying on them in general and bothering them with the most irrelevant and many more fundamental questions when they are online and want to talk happy things.
(d) Tag them in ugly caricatures and cartoons you drew just to make them look goofy.
(e) Saying “I know” when they say “I’m a loser.”
(f) Calling them by ANY goddamn nickname that your creative brain conjures up at the spur of the moment, conveniently forgetting that the individual’s parents did gift him a decent call-able name for the purpose of being called by that call-able name only and not un-callable things like “chappan tickli”.

Yeah, Marty has been though a lot.
I’m not saying I’m particularly sorry about that.

The thing that holds me in constant awe is that he’s still alive, and his brain is working. And to top it all off, he’s turning 19 tomorrow, finally catching up with the aunties.

It feels like I’ve known the squirt forever. And I have been pulling mhartee’s leg for nearly forever. And to put up with that, believe me, is a great deal. It should be evoking unending sympathy in the more benevolent and kinder of hearts who aren’t quite as insensitive as philter kaapi. (Let’s all hope and pray today that that most benevolent of spirits is some lady cockroach who is very well versed in dance, is popular, speaks fluent girlish, is very very very “whittteeewasheddd” yand drop-dead gorgeous in the eyes of one mhister jigglypuff. ;) ) Woman, I hope you are listening.

It’s a miracle that sanity has still stayed safe with einsteinji even after the horrendous mistake and tarumic experience of having befriended an absolutely obnoxious senior from school and college. Yes, it hasn’t come without suffering some serious side-effects and consequences. There have been some incredible risks and some serious hazards to the aforementioned person’s mental health, sense of peace, self worth and has even provoked unwanted questions from the dim-witted morons that, as I said, this world is surprisingly plentiful in. Yeah, disadvantages.


Well, let me shed some optimistic light on this matter. It hasn’t come off without some perpetual benefits too. For example, I have managed to make the I-don’t-have-a-clue-about-these-things kinds of innocent lamb into a connoisseur bird-watcher of the non-ornithological variety, rather successfully. That means Mhartee will (hopefully,) not fall for Katherine Heigl and direct his full-blown attention towards Bhumikha Chawla, Jayanthi and a very lucky miss-cockroach who’s stalling in all earnesty in the corridors of a certain engineering college.

And you get to be written about. The Times of India is just rushing over to make this headline news. Not everybody gets this famous, isn’t it? This is what you get for putting up with Kaapi. So be really grateful. I’ve invaded your Fb wall with all sorts’ illogical crap. But every Van Gogh paints a starry night. And this is my proud masterpiece. (The jerk who invented face book doesn’t allow me to cross 100 word limit.) Philter Kaapi might actually be a slimy tailed rotten rodent, but she is also human enough to understand that it’s supposed to be decent to thank people who put up with her obnoxiousness. So, I figured you’d like to be flattered a little (As shakesphere said, “That unicorns may be betrayed with trees, and bears with glasses, elephants with holes, lions with toils and men with flatterers.” Or as I re-stated, “I theenk you shall be yappy yappy.”)

So, you get to be written about. AND glorified by such inglorious means. Today, let’s all forget how Mharteee’s taste in girls sucks in general, how’s he’s such an insufferable GEEK and know-it-all, how his computer is connected to the most crappy UPS system in the whole wide world and how he is up at all unearthly hours like 3 am. No, let’s today talk about how good a friend he can be, how he manages to lift that dark grouchy cloud above other people’s heads, how he is ultra-hilarious enough to understand good humor, and also talented, polite and considerate enough to agree to work for my movie when most others rejected the offer in evident horror.

True gentleman. An intelligent introspector. Skilled photographer. Effortless Geek. Undeservingly popular. Easy-going pleasant disposition. Good school-going never-bunking boy. An elegant humorist. (You are most welcome to borrow my superior English for your advert on shaadi.com if it doesn’t work out with miss cockroach.)

Summing up in one word in true sisterly spirit, a great friend, the little (literally) shortie has been. I couldn’t do without my little clown. My life would have been a whole lot crappier without his weird jokes.

I know, It does kinda suck not to celebrate on your birthday and sit there and attend an exam. (KINDA SUCKS??? Who am I kidding?, MAJORLY SUCKS!) And Marty is the unfortunate soul born on March 4. Pity. (No, seriously.)


I couldn’t parcel you my gift of fifteen morteein sprays (With a whopping 20% extra offer, that too!!) So I thought an online celebration of epic proportions might not hurt.

May you continue to be your white cockroach seeking, hilarious leg-pulling, weird profile pictures choosing, unearthly music listening self-- now forever and always.

Happy birthday, Ara.

Warmly,
Bunny

Profound words of encouragement that is going to make all the difference in the world.

(CAUTION: Kaapi's mood is philosophical. Oopsy! That means some serious self-condemnation comin' up. If your brain is chronically befuddled at the end of it all, don't tell me I didnt' warn you.)

Mood: Philosophical without a reason.

Flavor of Post: Wondering the meaning of existance and a detailed examination of the causes of social imbalance.

Type: Irresponsible Writing Catogory. Filed under Kaapi, Philter in all archival libraries.

Thank You.

Social Reject.

Dweeb.

Geek.

Nerd.

Somebody who doesn't have a life.

Weirdo.

If any of the above words can be used to describe the whole of your existance in entirity, you belong to the ultra-conspicious species of homo sapiens that incidentally, even Philter Kaapi falls into. And you probably spend pathetically long, purposeless hours spying on the facebook profiles of the creatures at the other end of the spectrum----the social elite, culturally active, splendidly barbaric who have more than a 1000 friends on their list, don't end up playing Farmville at the end of the day, and actually recieve a 100+ comments for their most enlightenining status message, ":)".

Yeah, if your life could be that grand.

So you pick up your hiking boots and think there must be a singularly wonderful destiny awaiting you. Maybe if you make an attempt at showing them you have a life too, they would end up as jealous as you are right now. So you walk up an abandoned trail with a geek friend, or pose with random aunties. You click a 50 very artistic pictures of that scary looking tree stump, crows and dirt. You return home triumphant and upload the pictures into an album "When I had the best time of my life and did some very great things!!!!!!!! :) :) :)" and take particular care in ensuring that the album is open to everyone.

The very next day, the social elite have their pictures up of their visit to Italy, Paris and Rome. Of course, they are in their cooling glasses, and they aren't posing with thier grandmothers. And gosh do they look gorgeous. They're in rome, baby, in front of the collosium, with their huge gang of gangly teenagers who made it to to the place in one peice to join Green Peace activists to fight against Global Warming.

Cool stuff. Right.

You feel an utter loser.

So, at the end of the day, you go back to your farmville to cultivate crops, or find more ugly ducklings. And you join the group, "I wonder if there was anything more to life". :D

Whatever happened to the age-old philosophy that all human being were born equal, and that god gifted all with special abilites. Everyone is equally special, deserves to be equally loved, admired and adulated. Kinda feels like crap to you, doesn't it?

Well, I'll tell ya this. They might be popular. They might be happy. They might be on top of the world......sure, they are all that.

And you....are just you. Nerd, dweeb, weirdo, obnoxious, blah blah.

So?

It's not like they have a different heamogobin in their viens. Or that they don't breathe oxygen for that matter. And they definitely aren't from mars.

So go back to the age-old philosophy no matter how unbelivable it seems. They might give a damn, but still belive that life's special. That YOU are more special than anyone else.

You might be making an incorrect assumption, but in the end---it's your happiness that matters above all else.

So believe. Coz you've got your life to lead buddy, and they have got thiers.

And know this, friend---you have this 100% obnoxious, moronic, dweeby, geeky, weird, nerdy girl for company, cheering you on. If that doesn't help, know that there is atleast one more creature who's just like you. That might be of some help. ;)

If the world ends, Philter Kaapi shall endure all odds to come back an hold your hand. (Ain't THAT what you call "dramatic?")

A friend told me something. "It's when we laugh that we are all connected together...."

:) Those who have a million friends, often find it hard to understand each and every one of them.

You might have fewer, but you know them better.

If you have none, you still know youself better than anybody else on this planet.

And for that, I shoudl be congraulating you.

You know who you are. Some people don't.

They happen to be suffering from acute dementia, alzhimers, or are called the socially elite.

Wear your smile tight!!!!!

Warmest Regards,

Philter Kaapi

(deviant post, i know. Shall come back to talk about the movie someday. The someday, should be after another set of gruelling midterms IF i don't relapse into the I'm-socrates-reincarnate-mood again! Cheers!!!)

Rat Poison

Preface: Philter Kaapi set off last week, to face not one but THREE life-threatening situations (read midterms) with nothing but her sheer willpower, raw guts and efficiently procrastinating brain for company. And oh, a little bottle of rat poison in the back of her unclean bag, along with green smelly thingies that she believes is defined as "grime".

Philter Kaapi is the most interesting of all specimens. If you happen to be a thief who thinks its fun to snatch away her backpack when she isn't looking hoping that its a profitable venture, you will be dissapointed, to say in the least.

Unless you happen to be someone insanely suicidal, a physicist or somebody plauged by an acute pest problem of course.

Well, I know you are holding your breath to find out what I'm gong to be talking about next so let me summarize all the weirdness of this 604800 seconds, and you may pretend to be listening.

• Firstly, Phiter Kaapi isn't drinking the rat poison. The reason happens to be that she believes that she is just too damn important to this world.
• Secondly, and thankfully, she's in a very great mood!!! :D (Yeah, I ain't the socrates today!). Hurray!! That means that she would rather write crap to her dairy instead of to the the very inviting world wide web to show off how much of a doofus she is.
• Thirdly, she has resumed shooting for her very famous movie. (she is director cum genius.)

So, ur naturally going "huh?" coz your peabrain cannot interpret how a microbiologist (read future nobel laurate) can ever get down to the camaroon standards. Well, just too bad for you. I'm multitalented.

So, what is this movie about?

I won't tell you.

Yet.

Why?

Because the experimental scientist in me has concluded that the more suspense you build up around a fairly trivial issue, you tend to magnify its importance and have people falling at your feet, begging to know what it is. It will also succesfully promote a greater readership. (assuming that of course, SOMEONE out there is reading, which I cleverly will assume.)

Awh, I cannot bear to see your puppy eyes questioning me with all curiosity. So I'll give you a sneak peek.

*Gallant Background music and husky male voice*

COMING UP:

• A La-la-la dance sequence in the lush alpine meadows with Mala aunty.
• A din-din-dhishkoo. (WTH? Waaait till the director explains!)
• Retarded english.

It's going to be the biggest blockbuster in history.

And in the end of the day, you will have to thank Philter Kaapi and her handy bottle of Rat Poison.

Well, Stay Alive!

Sincerely,

Philter Kaapi.

Nerdyfing, ranting and "grr"ing.

I'm a noble person. An extremely noble person. I am, in fact, more committed to this little space than anybody else on this planet. Being the extremely brave soul that I am, I will do anything, anything at all, to have my hands scribble more profound words of wisdom here, even against my better judgement of studying multivariable calculus and parametrization of curves on a cheerfully rainy friday afternoon, on the begginning of a wonderfully boring weekend which i fully intended to enjoy, but will most probably spend counting how many days of my long life I have left because it seems to be pretty much evoporating in front of my eyes in all these horrible midterms and exams and quizzes and lab reports. And of course, it is in my brave blood to risk my studies by doing most illuminating things such as typing matters of great irrelevance to this world in fancy, completely huge, nonsensical sentences using incorrect grammer, hanging phrases and incomplete sentences that would put my english education to shame. Awh, but there is one person who can follow my train of thought--me. And I'm quite glad for that. Before I go off on 3 other different tangents, (not to circles or parametric curves, mind you!), I would like to come to the point (believe me, there is supposed to be one) of this ultra-dramatic post.

The points, kindly make note:

(a) As I said, I'm noble.
(b) I'm bored, I have a Physics midterm examination this monday on 5 whole chapters, a mathematics examination on thursday, and a general psychology examination on thursday. I did prospect on drinking rat poison the day before yesterday, but I've heard that it tastes quite aweful, and I'm certainly certain that my tongue wouldn't prefer to swallow such things just to transport me to heaven. Sigh. Even dying is so complicated these days.
(c) I'm ranting. Raving mad. I'm robbed of a beautiful weekend. I have to spend it frickin' studying ALL the time. Make that >6 hours per day, ALL WEEKEND (with potty breaks and nap breaks, but still). Oh lord, help me concentrate. This term of "studying all the time" has been re-named by phiter kaapi as "nerdyfying". So I'll be nerdyfying this weekend. Boo-hoo. And if you point ur finger this way and go "ha ha", well, then you shouldn't be surprised if my rat poison has mysteriously found it's way into your bisi-bele bath tomorrow afternoon. I might hesitate to have the rat poison to reach my throat, but the same is not the case with other human beings. And I do believe that there is more use to such a potent chemical composition that just plainly kiling a few rodents who freak you out. Maybe they can be equally effective on human friends who freak you out too.
(d) So, the plan's like this.
If I pass, I'll bring back my spoils and go "hahahaha, I passed. I'm intelligent. I'm not a loser." and repeat that a 10000 times in your ear until you fully agree wimme.
If I fail, I'll return to my soppy my-life-is-purposeless-im-such-a-jerk-so-lemme-write-a-one-million-sad-meloncholic-poems-mood. And believe me, you wouldn't wanna to see me like that. I speak aristotle. I drool. I bite. Yuck.
So, I hope the nerdyfying pays off.
Really. So do me a favor.
Pray for me.
PRAY. PRAY. PRAY.

MAY THE NERDIFYING BEGIN!!!!
(I shall b back soon by the end of next week, If i haven't decided rat poison does in fact taste good and they were just lying to me.)

sincerely,
Phiter Kaapi
(with profound spelling mistakes)

The twilight phenomenon

(We've got a new contendor, who plans to disprove Phiter Kaapi's claim at being a vampire. His eloborate elucidation of why more than half the adoloscent world is absolutely nuts was an unpublished, unrecognized reasearch paper that the kindly soul that is phiter kaapi picked up and posted it here, even though it was the kind of article that placed her sense of being someone sane in serious jeopardy. But, being the noble creature that she is, she decided to allow for some healthy debate. (WTF??? I plan to kill this guy who says twilight is pure crap, if I wasen't inhibited by endless miles of oceans, mountains and countries). But aha, here it is. Whose team are you on? Team Edward, Team jacob, Team bella or Team loser? Fate is in the hands of the intelligent reader. So, I place the contribution before your speculative eyes)

During my usual rounds of surfing channels on TV back and forth I was lucky enough to stumble on a lifestyle channel showing me the top best sellers of the month.
5. LOST SYMBOL
4. SEA OF POPPIES
3. 2 STATES
2. WHITE TIGER
1. TWILIGHT
WTF?!!!!! Twilight???!!! Damn! That book which every girl seem to be drooling on for no particular reason. I had to read it.
I made a few calls to my friends who had the book. They had managed to survive the ordeal of reading all the 4 books. The common opinion among guys was not surprisingly “too much hype” or “don’t read it! Please for our sake!” and the girls “OMG!! Edward OMG!! Jacob” and they would fake a faint.
Jobless soul that I am, I had to learn more about this Edward and Jacob character who seemed to display the property of “female-magnetism” (and in some rare and weird cases males too). I got hold of the book from a rather nervous owner who was adamant that I return this precious novel within a week. What the hell is in this book which makes the teenagers so possessive? Why are they going gaga over it? Is it similar to Harry Potter? It had to be something if the movie beat the records of dark knights single day collection.
I’m half way into the book and I finally got my answers. The answer is that it has nothing! Yes, nothing (except for a love triangle). Stephanie Meyer you are a genius! Not because the novel is great, not because she created an ideal boy friend, but because she realized the potential of employing the irrational brains of teenagers who is filled with the ideas of college love stories. An emo girl suddenly finds a perfect guy who turns out to be a vampire, who is allergic to sunlight, add to this a werewolf on a mission to kill vampires. She just created a fairy tale for grownups! So who will be the next guy in her life? I’m hoping a dragon turns up from somewhere. So next time you fall in love with a guy hanging around in dark corners and getting ideas that he is a vampire let me warn you, you will be disappointed because sadly there is something called reality. Until then there will be more like Madame philter kaapi getting ideas that they are vampires.
So there you have it, ‘the twilight phenomenon’ a pandemic condition the cure for which is a sound and developed brain, age and saneness.

-Masala chaai

I'm a vampire.

I can't sleep at midnight. I have vauge suspicions that I might, in fact, be a vampire. When half of your friends are ardent fans of this one gooey-eyed creepy totally outwordly stor(ies) called the "twilight saga" (which, in my opinion, goes against all rational thought and logical thinking, but is still kinda pleasing in its own mauky kind of way..., the vampire fear (or love, depending on who you are) finally gets to you one day.
The vampire craze is taking over the world, believe me.
or don't.
It's good if you don't belive me. Life is nicer.
But I swear they are lingering under your beds. Or watching you while you are asleep and doing you a favor by mumbling lovely-dovey things. Truely loving creatures, vampires, and I mistook them for monsters.
"Lovable Monsters" eh? You know, my peabrain cannot see sense into this.
But oh, they won't stop their ranting, so I'm pretending to listen. It's nicer, see?
Diplomatic. If you argue the point that vampires don't exist, you might hear it in your headline news, the next thing tomorrow, that crazy teenagers are jumping off cliffs at all possible locations.
So, I agree. Vampires exist. And I am one. Actually, I'm one of the cullens.
Why?
I'm nocturnal. I'm vegiterian. And I secretly shine in the sunshine, so I bunk classes when it's too sunny outside.
Love the cold, misty weather.
Yeah, suspicions are getting confirmed.
So you may queque up, guys.
Coz I'm a vampire.
;)

yay! Keep looking for more such pointless scribbles!
sincerely,
Philter Kaapi

2010.

Important year, eh?

Time to engage in the charectersitically human endevour of "celebrating". This absolutely intruiging act encompasses and includes jumping up and down on the sofa and buying 20 packets of carribean flavor frito lay chips to devour with members of your secret society who's primarly occupation happens to be depriving themselves of sleep in order to do most illuminating things such as watch zomibies blow their own heads off.
Well, you get the drift.

Really, the human speices interest me. Not that I'm from Mars or anything, but the way that we pass off most pointless things as something worthwhile is the most intruging of mysteries.
I don't stay up to watch people wish each other a happy new year.
I sleep. I snore. I dream of fluffy bunnies skipping about in lovely emerald meadows...
And get up the next day, all full of wonderful vital energy, ready to take over the world.

"Celebrating" new year is easy, and uncomplicated my way. But sigh, nobody listens to good old advise from a pipsqueak. Hence, I have to bear with the rest of the teenage world turning into aliens on New year's eve.
Aha, I must be growing up.
The travials of the intelligent, sagely souls who trasure all the wisdom of the world!

Sigh, it's like nobody listens to these profound words of wisdom.
Not that I care, anyway.
Just letting you know.

And oh, Happy new year, everybody.
I know I wished late.
Just goes to say I'm lazy. Just goes to say that I do weird things.
May all of you continue to be sleep-deprived, celebrate and do other equally pointless things these year!

Happy happy new year! :)